


Trangressions

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe, Angst, Child Abuse, Drama, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Mystery, Points of View, Romance, Suicide, Suspense
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-03-05
Updated: 2007-03-08
Packaged: 2018-12-27 00:48:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 36,852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12070350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: Brian, Lindsay and Michael are in a band. One night while performing Brian sees his lover and fellow band mate Justin, who committed suicide 17 years earlier.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

  
Author's notes:

I would like to send out Lots of hugs and thank you's to my two wonderful Beta’s Kris and Arwensong. 

Dedication: This story is dedicated in Loving memory of Dusty, through his existence this story was inspired and came to life. Dusty, may you be able to resolve your past with peace, love and forgiveness in your own spirit, on the other side.

 

* * *

Lindsay stands in front of the mirror, scrunching up her curly hair, a smile spreading upon her lips as she blots her black and maroon lipstick. She makes a quick turn, pulling her leather mini skirt down slightly. 

"Perfect!" she thinks to herself, then grabs her drumsticks and walks out the door. 

Brian stands outside Lindsay's door, smoking a joint. Lindsay closes the door behind her and makes her way towards Brian. She takes the joint from his hand and inhales deeply. She winks at him, noticing how hot he looks. His hair is dyed black and is slightly tousled. His thick black eyeliner makes his eyes look even more pronounced. 

Brian looks Lindsay over in the same manner. "Damn. You look fucking hot, Linds." He pulls her into a playful kiss. 

"You don't look half bad yourself," Lindsay purrs while seductively running her hand over his chest. "I love the white suit and black tie, very classy." 

Brian takes another hit then puts out the joint on the brick wall. He smirks at Lindsay, then grabs her hand and starts to run. "Come on! We've got to go. Mikey will shit if we're late getting on stage." She laughs, following behind him. 

Michael runs up to them frantically, holding his bass tightly. "Fuck, I thought I would have to call a search party." 

Brian kisses him on the cheek. "No need to worry, we're here now; let the concert begin!" 

Brian gives his best friend a goofy grin. It slightly falters when he sees the look of panic in Mickey's eyes. He looks at the tension in his best friend; something seemed off. "Mikey, is every thing ok?" 

Michael's eyes trail away from Brian's. "Um yeah, everything's fine," he mumbles, then looks at the ground. 

"Mikey, you're not a very good liar. What's wrong?" 

"I saw somebody on my way to the stage." His face becomes pale. "Someone from your past, Brian." 

Brian looks at him nonchalantly. "Yeah, so? As long as you did not fuck them." He smirks. "You're too good for leftovers," he says, kissing his friend on the cheek again. 

Michael becomes even more tense. "No Brian, damn it. I fucking saw Justin Taylor. Well, it looked like him, anyway." 

The color in Brian's face fades as he slumps to the floor. "Shit. It can't be, Mikey." His voice becomes very weak and shaken. "He died 17 years ago. I was there. I saw it happen." His eyes become misty. 

Michael sits next to his friend, rubbing his shoulder. "I know, I know. But fuck, Brian, it's too uncanny. I had to let you know. I didn't want you to freak when you saw him. This guy was backstage. I don't know who he was or is. We all know it can't be him, but shit, damn! He looks just like him. Except...." 

"Except?" Brian and Lindsay both chime. 

"He has really short hair and dresses really preppie" 

The three huddle on the floor remembering their fallen band mate from years ago. He was anything but preppie. A rebel in his own right. Brian clears his misty eyes before hitting the stage. He smiles intensely at his two best friends, masking his emotions. 

The three stand in position behind the thick curtains. Lindsay hits her drumsticks together. "One! Two! Three! Four!" she yells. 

Shouts and screams echo through the large stadium. The drumbeat overtakes the three best friends as they become a part of their music. Brian plays his guitar viciously, the punk sound pouring through his fingers. He sings into the microphone, then smiles at Mikey as they harmonize together. 

Brian looks through the haze of the lights piercing through the shadows, and glimpses the young man Mikey spoke of. He can feel a lump in his throat as the vision of the only man he ever cared about stands before him in the front row. He tries to look away but is pulled back instantly when the young man smiles at him. It is the beautiful smile that won his heart so long ago. He has to get away, get his mind away from this man. Brian runs across the stage, playing even harder, trying to get Justin out of his head. Lindsay and Michael struggle to keep up with his rushed rhythm. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

17 years earlier 

Justin's long blond hair is pulled back behind his shoulders. His leather trench coat hugs his body warmly in the cool October morning. His nerves clench through his body. Grabbing his flask, he takes a big gulp of Jim Beam. He grimaces at the harshness on his empty stomach, lighting a cigarette as he approaches his new high school. 

Leaning up against a willow tree, inhaling deeply on his cig, taking another gulp of Jim Beam, he feels a presence approaching him. A husky, sexy voice pulls him away from his thoughts. "You got a light?" Looking up into the most amazing hazel eyes, he is speechless for a moment. He nods as he lights the stranger's cigarette. Brian takes a deep drag holding up his cigarette. "Thanks, you new here?" 

"Yeah, first day." He grabs for his flask. 

Brian covers Justin's hand with his. "Easy there, sunshine, no need to be drunk before the day even begins." He pulls out his own flask. "You want it to last all fucking day." 

Justin laughs and feels more at ease. "Yeah, I think you're right. What's your poison?" 

Brian smirks. "Jim Beam. Is there anything else?" 

"Ahhhhh! A Jim Beam man. I think we will get along just fine." Justin pushes himself away from the tree and whispers in Brian's ear, "It's my poison too." With that, he walks away. 

Brian smirks at the new student. "Later." 

"Later," Justin smiles. "Oh, by the way, my name's Justin Taylor." 

Brian grins from ear to ear. "Brian Kinney." 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Brian is walking out to his car during lunch. He hears a haunting voice singing along to a guitar. Walking closer to a beat up Volkswagen Bug he sees the young man from the morning. Brian playfully knocks on the hood of the car. 

Justin jolts out of his trancelike state of mind, letting out a scream. "Shit ,you scared me," he smiles at Brian. 

Brian can't help but laugh. "Just admiring your song. You're good. I didn't mean to scare you." He gives a laughing smirk. "But that was an added bonus for me. I liked hearing you scream. Maybe I can hear you call my name next time," he says, tongue in cheek, then starts to walk away. 

Justin's mouth almost drops at the comment. He feels a stirring in his pants, and lets out a slight moan. Brian turns, winking at him. 

"Hey, I was going to Liberty Diner with some friends during lunch. You want to join me?" 

Justin nods his head, getting out of his car. "Love to." He tilts his head toward his car. "Do you want me to drive?" 

Brian walks closer with a suspicious smile, leaning in to smell Justin's breath. "Sure, I don't smell any Jim Beam on you." 

Before Justin can say anything, Brian leans in closer, devouring him in a deep, passionate kiss. 

Justin wraps his hand behind Brian's neck, bringing him in deeper. Dominating the kiss with his tongue. Both moaning into the kiss. Justin pulls away smirking as Brian grabs Justin's hip to bring him closer. He looks deep into Justin's penetrating eyes only to see pain and notices Justin is holding his breath. Letting go, Brian freezes. He's seen that look before. He knows the pain, the emotions. Tilting Justin's chin to look deep into his soul, he whispers, "Justin, are you ok?" 

"Yeah. Just an old injury." He looks at Brian, trying to cover up his pain. 

Brian nods his head in understanding. "Yeah, I bet about twelve hours old by the way you flinched." He grabs Justin's hand, "Change of plans, we're taking my car." 

********** 

Justin sits in the car, masking any emotions. Suddenly he notices they are driving away from town, then turning down a dirt road. 

"Brian, where are we going?" 

"Somewhere safe." 

Justin notices Brian has a distant look in his eyes and wonders what this man's story is. 

Justin raises his eyebrow. "Ok, sounds interesting." 

Brian smirks. "It can be, but that's not why I'm bringing you here. I've never brought a trick here. It's my sanctuary." 

Brian pulls up in front of an old abandoned home. The white paint is peeling from the drastic weather changes. The deck is slightly tilting. Brian entwines his fingers with Justin's as they walk to the home. He takes out a key, unlocking the door. 

Justin looks at him dumbfounded, and laughs. "You have a key to an abandoned house?" 

Brian smiles a bit. "Yeah. I put it on after we found this place. No way in hell do I want someone in my domain." 

As Brian enters the doorway, he turns on a battery operated lantern. Justin stands in awe at the room around him. It may be abandoned but it was definitely a home. There is a sofa, several Bean bags, books and a portable radio inside. In the corner is a drum set, acoustic guitar and acoustic bass. 

"Damn, this place is great." He looks at the instruments. "You play?" 

Brian smiles sheepishly. "My friends and I have a band. We try, anyway," he laughs. 

Justin eyes are diverted from the instruments when he suddenly notices the art work on the walls. Tracing his hand on the wall, he exclaims, "Fuck, this is awesome. I love fantasy art. These dragons have amazing detail." 

Brian smiles proudly. "Linds, she's an amazing artist and drummer. Mikey is my other good friend. He plays the bass. This place is our sanctuary. We're the only ones to ever come here." He looks at Justin intensely. "Now that I brought you here, I have one of two choices. Either I kill you or I give you a key." Brian smirks, then hands Justin a key. 

Justin looks at his new friend, bewildered as he takes the key. 

"You just met me. Why would you give me a key?" 

Brian shrugs his shoulders nonchalantly, then looks into Justin's eyes, gently touching his lips. "You need a safe place to go. I see it in your eyes." 

Brian pulls back abruptly, placing his hand at the back of his neck. "Fuck!" He starts pacing. His emotions are running rampant, not being used to the sensations this young man brings out in him. 

Justin walks up behind Brian, touching his shoulders. "Brian. You don't have to do this. I can see it's hard on you, plus we just met. I understand." 

Brian gently touches Justin's hand on his shoulder and whispers, "I know you understand". Brian shakes his head as he takes off his jacket and shirt revealing the fresh scars on his back. 

He hears a gasp from Justin, then feels soft hands caressing around the scars. "You're right. I do understand." 

Brian turns, looking Justin in the eyes as he growls, "I didn't show you for pity! Shit, I don't know why I showed you. I don't do romance, I don't do boyfriends, I don't do this sentimental bullshit." 

Justin removes his own jacket and shirt, revealing the cigarette scars on his chest. "Why the fuck would I give you pity? I don't do that crap either. All I know is, I met you today and for the first time in a long time I fucking feel safe." 

Brian pulls Justin in close to his chest, stroking his long blond hair which flows to the middle of his back. "Your hair is so soft," Brian whispers into his ear seductively. "I want to fuck you." 

Justin pulls Brian down into a passionate kiss. Lost in their emotions and touch, they never hear the door open, only the shriek of Lindsay. "Brian! Justin?!" 

Both men look up suddenly. Justin is startled to hear his name. He looks at the young woman. 

"Oh my God, Lindsay? You're Brian's friend? Fuck. I had no idea. I thought the art looked familiar." He runs up to her, giving her a big hug. 

Brian stands there, confused, clearing his throat. "You two know each other?" 

Lindsay giggles. "Brian, I guess you've already met my cousin Justin. His family moved back to the Pitts last week." 

"Well, fuck me, that's my luck." 

Justin whispers in his ear. "I still plan on fucking you later." Then he winks. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Present day; Brian's POV 

The heat of the stage lights burns into my skin. It's a gnawing sensation. Suddenly a cool breeze crawls through my spine. I feel his presence. It's him. I don't know how I know, but it's him. Through the shadows, I see his eyes, piercing deep into my being. Our eyes lock; I feel his spirit call to me. I notice the confusion in his eyes; the awareness; the wanting. He walks closer to the stage. I can barely handle his presence. 

As I look into his eyes again, I see something I never saw there before. He is truly happy. Without a doubt, no heartache, no abusive father. His eyes are so innocent, so pure, so full of love. That alone shows me this can't possibly be my Justin. Yet, I feel him; so close to my heart. Like he is whispering and telling me he is ok. 

I pull myself into my music, singing as loudly as I can, tuning out his whispers, running rampantly across the stage. I still see him. I hear Lindsay go into her drum solo as Mikey pulls me offstage. I look into my best friend's beautiful brown eyes and see the concern and love he has for me. Pulling him into a hug, tears streaming down my face, I wipe them away and whisper, "I feel like a pathetic fag." 

Mikey brushes the sweaty hair from my forehead and kisses me gently. "You're anything but pathetic. It's understandable, your tears. You were good together; together you made sense." 

I look at him, feeling at such a loss for words. He caresses my cheek as I stare at him. 

"Brian, it's ok, you don't need to say a word." 

Finally, I feel the lump clear from my throat and whisper, "He looks so happy, Mikey. He looks so fucking happy." I bury my head into my best friend's shoulder as he holds me. No questions asked. 

I hear the drum solo begin to fade. Wiping the tears from my eyes, I pull away from my friend and plaster a smile on my face. He knows my routine; he knows it well. Patting my back, he heads back onstage with me. 

The audience is cheering Lindsay's dazzling performance. She knows she's hot, and eats up as much attention as she can as we finish our performance. I can see her concern and I can't help wondering if she saw him too. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

17 years earlier 

Lindsay plops down on the sofa opening a beer she brought and offering each of them one. Brian looks at her oddly. "Skipping school today?" She smiles, nodding her head. 

"And Mikey?" 

She flips her hand in the air. "Well, he was pissed you didn't show up at the diner, so believe me, he will be talking to you about that." She lets out a chuckle. "But he had a test today and had to go back to school, poor sucker." She looks at Brian sternly. "So cut the small talk. How the fuck did you two meet? I mean this is too bizarre, walking in on my best friend and cousin making out." 

Justin sits down next to Lindsay and lights a cigarette. "We met at school. Brian needed a light." 

Brian picks up his guitar and tunes it as he listens to his friends catch up. Lindsay scrunches her brow and turns to Justin. "At school? I thought you were going to St. James? That's what your Mom told me." 

Justin clears his throat. "Let's just say I was not allowed in school. They really did not like my choice of clothing very well." 

Lindsay lets out a barrel laugh. "Oh God, don't tell me you wore your Sex Pistols shirt to school on the first day and happened to 'forget' your uniform." 

Justin gives her a bright evil grin. "I hate those fucking uniforms." 

She puts her arms around him, pulling him close as she caresses his blond hair. "How's your Mom doing?" 

Justin pulls away and looks at her with a shocked expression. "Haven't you heard?" 

"Heard what?" 

"Mom just found out she's four months pregnant." He grimaces slightly. 

Lindsay sits up straight. "No!" 

He lays his head on Lindsay's lap and looks up at her twisting her hair, his voice shaking as he says, "I just can't believe she's going to bring an innocent child into this family. I hate it, but there's nothing I can do." 

Brian puts down his guitar. He moves to sit next to Justin and puts a hand on the other boy's knee as he looks into his silver blue eyes. "Have you talked to her about it?" 

Justin unconsciously puts his hand on Brian's. "She's too scared, so she pretends not to care." 

"That is so fucked," Brian huffs. 

"It is fucked," Justin agrees. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Three hours later, Michael bursts through the abandoned home, angry at Brian. "Where the fuck were you? We had a test today." 

Brian shrugs his shoulders, looking at his friend innocently as he puts his hand over his mouth, "Ooooops." He casually takes a hit from the joint before passing it to Justin. He smiles at his two friends laughing on the floor, then smirks at Michael. Wrapping his arm around his best friend, he coaxes, "Come on, Mikey; join the party." 

Michael notices Justin for the first time and snarls at him, "Who the fuck is that?" 

Brian holds his breath for a moment, deciding what to say. 

Lindsay sees the hesitation and steps in. "Oh, this is my cousin Justin. He just moved here, so I was showing him around and gave him a key so he has a safe place." 

Michael's eyes soften and he introduces himself. 

Justin shakes his hand, playfully pulling him to the ground. He hands Michael the joint. "Brian tells me you play bass." 

Michael beams from ear to ear. "Yeah, do you play?" 

"Mmm, yeah, guitar" 

"We should all jam sometime." Michael passes the joint back to Justin. 

Taking a hit, Justin smiles at Michael. "That would be awesome." 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Brian's POV later 

I can't seem to let go of Justin's silver blue eyes. As I lie back on my bed, smoking my cigarette a vision if him invades me. My cock hardens at just the thought of him and I moan from the pure agony of needing his sweet ass around my cock. I try to block out any sentiment with lust, stroking my cock to soothe my need. Putting out my cig, I grab the bottle of lube and put a small amount in my palm and slick it over my hard cock. Thrusting into my hand, I imagine his warm mouth engulfing me. Each thought of him makes me harder. 

Licking my dry lips, I feel my balls tighten with each stroke. Massaging them gently, I slide a single finger into my tight ass; arching my back as my orgasm grows, throwing my head back, I thrust harder. Muffling my moans, I shoot my load. Lying back down on my bed, my breathing evens as I come down from the high of my orgasm. 

There in the darkness, I feel so alone. I want him in my arms. A sensation falls over me as a hand strikes my face. I look around, expecting to see the drunken face of my father, but I see no one. I sit up. There is only the sound of my heart pounding. I feel it again, this time on my back. I sit on the edge of my bed, trying to catch my breath, feeling frantic and scared. 

"What the fuck," I huff under my breath. 

Then I hear Justin's voice scream out to me. I realize I'm feeling his pain. I don't know how, but it frightens me. Scrambling to my feet, I look at the clock. 1:30AM. Pulling on my clothes and shoes, I climb out the window and get into my car. 

Pulling up to the dark house, my gut is in knots. Turning my flashlight on, I have a look around. Disappointed when I don't see him, I wonder if what I felt was real. Letting myself into the home, I turn on the lantern. It's cold and drafty. I grab a ton of blankets and wrap up on the sofa, hoping and waiting that he'll show. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Justin's POV 

I pull up in front of the home and smile as I see his car. All these emotions flood through my thoughts. I don't understand what I am feeling for Brian, but I don't want it to end. Getting out of the car, I feel the pain in my back where my father kicked me. My first thoughts were to call on Brian. I swear I felt him with me. I wasn't going to drive here, but I needed to know if my thoughts were true. 

Walking into the cold drafty house, I feel the warmth of friendship. I smile as I see him curled up under a ton of blankets. Getting on my knees, I caress his hair and face, wanting so desperately to be one with him. I feel my adrenaline kick in, removing any pain. He leans in to my touch, his eyes fluttering open. He sits up. Holding my head gently with his strong hands, I see the worry in his eyes. 

"Justin, are you ok, I, I ff..., " he begins to stutter, "I felt you were in trouble." 

I nod, confirming now in my own mind that he was with me through my ordeal. I look deep into his eyes. Without a word, I lean in to kiss him passionately. He pulls me onto the sofa with him. Our tongues explore each other's taste, heat, need. I shiver into each kiss. His mouth moves to explore my neck. 

"Oh God," I moan, pulling his body closer. "Brian, fuck, I need you inside me." 

He looks into my soul so intensely are his eyes searching mine. Then he reaches for my hand. "Come on." He grabs the lantern, leading me to the back of the creaky house. As he opens a door, I see a queen size mattress and more blankets. Several of his personal items on the floor. I smile, knowing full well he is letting me into his world where not too many people are invited. 

Brian places the lantern on a plastic crate, giving the room an eerie glow. Wrapping his hand around my neck, he leans down. I feel our souls become one as he kisses me with such passion. Pulling my shirt over my head, his hands are so warm on my trembling body. I unbutton his white silk shirt. Our bare skin electric in each other's touch, he runs his fingers down my spine, letting out a moan. His sensational fingers make their way to my pants, sliding them down carefully as he caresses my thighs. I step out of them as he leads me to the bed. I sit down and watch lustfully as he takes off his pants. I hunger desperately as I see his cock. Pulling him onto the bed with me, our kisses and strokes run rampant. 

Gently he turns me on my stomach, tracing my spine with his tongue. I gasp for breath at the intensity of his touch. His tongue finds my tight hole. He moans with each lick. 

"Oh God," I hear him breathe, "you taste so amazing." He dips deeply inside me as I gasp. 

'"Brian, please fuck me!" 

He turns me on my back. Reaching for the lube and condom, he kisses me once more before covering his cock with the condom. I feel his lubed fingers enter me. Lifting my legs over his shoulders, I whisper, "Be gentle, it's been a long time. I'm usually a top." I see his playful smirk roll on his lips. 

"I know," he whispers, kissing me deeply, ridding me of any hesitation. "I'll be gentle." 

I feel safe in his arms as he slowly works his way inside me and I can hear the animalistic groan that parts from my lips when he completely fills me. "Oh fuck forget gentle, fuck me hard, Brian." 

I see a devilish twinkle in his eyes as he pounds me hard and deep until we both climax together, panting desperately. 

After we climax, the reality of the moment really hits me and I am now dreading this moment. The not knowing how he will react, or how I will, for that matter. We live by the same code. No boyfriends, repeats or regrets. I want him more than anything in this pathetic world. I have known him less than twenty-four hours but I know we have a connection. I know he feels it too. I'm afraid this will scare him off. 

I'm stunned when he does not try to get off me. I look into his eyes and see such passion. I feel him grow hard inside me again. He does not thrust or move, he just looks at me tenderly no words spoken. I'm concerned that if I say anything it will break the spell. He pulls out of me but doesn't move away to take off his condom; instead, he caresses my chest, kissing each burn mark. I shiver under his touch as he crawls up my body, until he reaches my ear. Nibbling on it, he whispers, and I am frozen by his confession. I look at him intensely, knowing now how much trust he has in me after such a short time. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Brian's POV 

I was so amazed after we fucked. I have never felt this way before, so safe, so secure; it frightens me to death. I want to run and hide but something keeps me here, lying on top of him. I feel myself harden while I'm still inside him, yet I have no urge to fuck him. I want him to fuck me. The thought scares the shit out of me. I decide right at this moment in time that I want him to be my first. I know he will be gentle and take his time. 

I crawl up his body, kissing each scar. He reminds me so much of myself. I know that's why we are so connected. I hesitate for a moment, then nibble on his ear, whispering huskily, "I have always been a top, ever since I was fourteen. I have never bottomed. I want you to be my first." 

He pulls back to look at me, seeking answers in my eyes. I see him blush, then he kisses my forehead. "Are you sure?" 

And I know I have never been more sure of anything in my life. I just nod my head yes, afraid any word will backlash against me. 

He rolls on top of me, watching me with great passion. He begins kissing me all over. I have to close my eyes to hide my emotion. The love he is shedding on me is so intense I want to leave. I have never felt like this before and I'm afraid to feel it. I sense that he notices my discomfort and he asks me to roll over. Thankful for the distraction, I roll over. 

Lying on my stomach, I feel him kissing each scar on my back. I moan with each ministration as he kisses down my spine. I arch to receive every touch. Feeling him at my lower back, I melt into groans. He licks between my ass, spreading my cheeks. I have never felt this sensation, although I enjoy giving it. His tongue gently brushes my hole, my cock grows harder as I let out a throaty moan. 

Justin turns me gently on my back and prepares me, inserting a very lubed finger, adding until I feel comfortable. I feel tears well up in my eyes, not from any pain but from the sensations. He lifts my legs over his shoulders and slowly guides himself inside. I feel a cold shiver run through my body and I cling to him, pulling him in deeper. I shiver in his arms while he is buried deep inside. For the first time, I let myself go, letting my damp tears wet his shoulder. He never questions or makes fun, he just holds me caressing my hair. 

He whispers in my ear, "Are you ready?" All I can do is nod. He moves tenderly in and out of me. I am stunned. For the first time, I am making love. I just met him but I feel I have known him for centuries. It scares the shit out of me that I can't mask my feelings when I am around him. 

After we climax, he takes off the condom, then holds me so close, covering us in blankets. He rubs my shoulders, trying to relax my still shaking body. I feel his warm breath next to my ear as he whispers, "I am going to fall in love with you. I don't expect you to love me back" 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Justin's POV 

I lean against my car smoking, thinking of this morning. I see him standing on the diamond, next to the dugout. He avoids eye contact. I smirk to myself; I'm not upset. I know his game. Of all people, I understand the need for control in this pathetic life but I can't help the urge to challenge him. I walk forward to lean against the dugout. I look him up and down, enjoying the view. Curling my lips in a mischievous smile, I comment casually, "I saw you this morning, fucking the gym teacher." 

His eyes slightly bulge, then he quickly masks any emotion, nonchalantly saying, "Oh?" 

I give him a kiss on the cheek, and purr in to his ear, "It looked hot!" 

As I walk away, I hear him call to me. I freeze in my tracks; turning, I wait to hear what he has to say. But he doesn't say another word. He just watches me. I walk back to him. I put my hand on his face and he leans into the touch. Looking deep into his soul and eyes, I tell him, "Usually it's me that leaves first thing in the morning, that night even." 

His eyes are sharp as he glares with a passion I can see past; he's struggling with his emotion and fears. I brush his lips gently with my own and whisper for his ears only, "I meant what I said to you last night. I will never take it back." 

I feel my voice shake on the words. 

His hazel eyes soften. I can't stand this confusion, this want is all so new to me. As I walk away I hear him say under his breath, "I don't want you to take it back." 

I feel a lump in my throat but I can't turn around. I continue to my car. As I am walking to it, I see Michael. After this morning, he is the last person I want to see. He has no idea that I overheard everything he said. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Michael's POV 

I'm not sure of my feeling towards Justin; all I know is Brian's the only one I have ever wanted. They didn't see me on the baseball field but I could see everything. My heart breaks. I'm so crushed. How could this have happened? My thoughts drift to earlier this morning, when my nightmare began. 

I heard the phone ringing. Looking at the clock, I saw that it was only 5:30. I heard my mother through the thin walls. "Yes Mrs. Kinney, your son is here... no, he's never an inconvenience. I've told him he can stay any time.... ok, I'll tell him." 

I sighed in relief. Pulling on my clothes, I ran down the stairs and kissed my mother on the cheek. "Thanks, Ma, for looking after Brian." 

She smiled and patted my cheek, then handed me the keys to her car. "Just go make sure that little shit's ok, you hear me?" 

On the drive, I was confused. Usually on a bad night, he would come through my window, especially in the winter. The old home was so drafty and cold. As I pulled up, I saw two cars, Brian and Justin's. Now things were beginning to become clear. 

"Shit!" I grimaced to myself. 

Walking in the house, I was more than a little pissed off. I tried to be quiet, curious as to what I would see when I entered. I went to the back. The door was open and I saw them in the shadows. I felt my heart breaking. Justin was spooned up behind Brian and was holding him so gently. Brian never let a trick into his world, into his mind. Not realizing it, I let out a small whimper. 

Brian bolted upright. "Mikey?" He seemed a little dazed as he looked at me, then he saw Justin sleeping. He looked at both of us, seeming so stunned. Anger rose in me. I felt betrayed. I ran out of the house slamming the door. 

I heard Brian following me. His voice was angry. He sounded perturbed, too. If I hadn't been so caught up in my own feelings, then, I would have paid more attention to that note of confusion in his voice. As it was, I didn't. He was wrapped in a blanket and yelling at me, "Mikey, stop!" 

"Why? There's no need for me to be here. You seem fine and dandy to me, with your little trick." 

"He's not a trick, Michael. His name's Justin." 

I couldn't help but laugh. "Well, at least you know his name. Usually you don't give enough of a shit to find out. So if he is not a trick then what the fuck is he? We all know you don't do boyfriends. Does he know that little rule of yours? Shall I tell him you're only good for one night's worth of fucking?" 

He got right in my face, fire in his eyes. He pushed me then, yelling, "Fuck you, Michael! I don't know what he is to me, plus it's none of your fucking business who he is to me. You have no right to say anything to him. I do know this, Michael. I am never going to fuck you so get over this fantasy you have of me." 

I turned to walk away, but then looked back at him. "Oh, by the way, your mother called looking for you." 

"Shit." I saw the concern in his eyes but at that point, I didn't give a shit. I got in ma's car, slamming the door hard, then flipped him off as I sped away. 

Now at school, after watching them on the baseball field, all happy and kissing, I stand alone and watch Justin walking to his car. Suddenly, all the pain inside me changes to rage against him. I charge at him and get right in his face. He looks at me like he really doesn't give a shit as he lights his cigarette, blowing the smoke in my face. 

"What the fuck do you want, Michael?" 

I'm stunned. It's as though he knows what happened. So I have to ask, "Did Brian tell you?" 

"Tell me what?" 

"That we had an argument." 

He gives me a knowing smirk. "That's my problem...why?" His eyes are ice cold. He lets out a mocking laugh. "You know, Michael, Brian is a big boy...and I mean a big boy," he says, tongue in cheek. "You have no control over what he does. Did he tell me about the fight? No, why would he? That's between you two. But I heard it all this morning while I was trying to sleep. If you don't mind a little unsolicited advice, since you seem to want to drag me into your problems with Brian, let me suggest this. If you want to keep him as a friend, you need to do as he says and let go of your fantasies, or you will lose him. I fucking promise you that. He needs a friend ... not a mother to tell him how to live his life. Or an unrequited lover bemoaning what he can't have; be happy for what he will give you. A real friend is a fucking rare commodity in this shitty world." 

I am stunned by his words, then I notice the fading bruise on his cheek and I start to realize how much alike they are. I choke up my resentment and ask, "What are your plans for Brian?" 

He gives me a deadpan look at first, then I see his eyes smile. He gets right in my face as he says, "I plan on loving him. He will push me away; I'm not blind to that fact. I know how he works. We go by the same code. But he's different to me. I love him." 

He walks away, leaving me in shock. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Present day; Michael's POV 

After the show, I find myself on a quest, looking for the young man who looks so much like Justin. I need to protect Brian. The hurt in his eyes takes me back to that dreadful night of Justin's death. Brian kept the bloodstained letter close to him for a long time. In fact, he may still keep it close. 

With Justin, Brian was alive. For five months of his life, he seemed almost happy. After Justin's death, it was dreadful, seeing his pain. Many times, I thought he might take his own life. It hurt to know I could never have him. But it hurt even more to know Brian would never be the same. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Lindsay's POV 17 years ago 

It's been an irritating day, the tension between my three men is about to drive me insane! Something big happened, I can see it but no one is saying anything. I want to go to Brian's and scream at the top of my lungs 'what the fuck is going on?!' As much as I love him he is so hardheaded, instead I find myself in front of Justin's home. 

Jennifer opens the door swooping me in a big tearful embrace. I smile at her; she has always been my favorite aunt. I rub her belly making her giggle. The smile I have always loved appears on her face 

"I see Justin told you." 

"Of course he did; can't keep something like that away from me you know." I wink at her trying to be playful. She has such a hard life. It was not always this way, Craig was so loving and took wonderful care of her and the children. When he lost his job he just flipped. Living from Jennifer's money has sent him over the edge. I feel sorry for Justin; he had this perfect life until he was 14, now he is 17. I could not imagine such a drastic change in a short time. Jennifer's voice brings me back to reality. 

"Justin's upstairs. Would you like to join us for dinner sweetie?" 

I kiss her on the cheek "Thank you, I would love dinner." 

Running up to Justin's room I stop next to his door. He's playing his guitar; his voice has become so haunted. I stand still, listening to the words. This is the only way I can really know what he is thinking. He has learned to hide his life so well. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Justin's song 

Will you ever believe in me 

when the dawn arrives 

will your coffin close 

Did I fail thee 

I want your nerve in my desire 

To plague my ever lasting 

fall down on your knees in front of me 

Take me to your ecstasy 

Every thing dreams clear in my evening sun 

day befalls me 

Cover me in your black crystals 

Every thought I have is of your dawning 

Your awakening is the evening moon 

caressing you with hidden needles 

Don't take my dream away 

sail away to the bloody oceans 

fuck me into tomorrow 

all is left is sorrow 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

I have to admit his words confuse me more, usually they make things more clear but this is poetic and hidden. I'm disturbed by his words; what did he mean by hidden needles? 

I try to put it aside as I burst open the door and pounce on him. Knocking him off the bed I hear him laughing the first laugh all day. "Geez Lindsay, you fucking bitch, I think I broke a nail." He grins bright as the sun then swats me playfully bringing me into a big hug. "You know I love you." 

"Well, I'm glad you do cause if you didn't, I think I might cry." I play up the big fake tears until he is laughing harder. After we both stop goofing around I look him in the eyes. "So you gonna tell me what happened with my three favorite guys?" 

I see him hesitate for a moment grabbing a cig. He lights it inhaling deeply. I can tell he is thinking. After letting out the smoke he looks at me with mist filled eyes. "Brian and I fucked last night." 

"So? That was a given; you're both horny men." By the look he gives me I realize it was more than just a fuck. "You both know the rules, follow the same code; why are you so bothered by it?" 

He slightly chokes on the smoke he is exhaling. "Let's just say all the rules went out the window Linds; for Brian and me both." I let out a gasp that makes him laugh; he smiles then continues, "This morning I was trying to sleep, but it was difficult to sleep because I was so content just holding Brian, with our bodies entwined. Michael walked in and they got into a huge argument outside. Michael said some really cruel things. He totally freaked out when Brian told him I was not a trick." 

I was stunned. "Holy shit! This was more than just a fuck for you both?!" Lifting my hand to his cheek I rub gently with my thumb. I can see in his eyes that they shared something special. "I can tell something very tender went on between you two. Don't let Michael fuck it up." He just nods his head at me and smiles. "And Brian is a stubborn son of a bitch. I love him to pieces but if he is what you want you're going to have to fight for him." 

His voice is sad. "I know; the fighting has already begun." 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Brian's POV, the next day. 

During Lunch I walk past the music room and hear Justin's haunted voice singing along with his guitar. I listen carefully to his words; can't help but realize it's about me. I am touched as I sit down on the floor and listen. I am struck suddenly by his words about hidden needles. I already know what it means; I saw the track marks the first day we met. It stunned me at first; he's so beautiful and to know he hurts himself in such a manner pains me. I am thrown off guard by my feelings. I understand his pain, I need him so badly. Justin is the only thing I have thought about since that night. He's going to fall and I hope I can be the one to catch him. I'm concerned I may fall with him. I'm not as strong as I come across. I'm flawed and in emotional pain most of the time. 

I'm not sure what overtakes me when I stand up and shut the door, locking it behind me. I swoop up behind him and wrap my arms around his torso. 

He lets out a chuckle as I tickle his side. His blue eyes look deep within mine. "I missed you he whispers." 

I stop his words with a kiss. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Brian POV Present day 

The Hotel bar was dark and quiet, a faint haze of smoke lingered as I enter. Ordering a double Jim Beam I sit down at the bar, planning on a long night. Tightly I grip the old letter in my hand. It is frayed and falling apart, stained with blood and dried tears, but I need it like life support. Having it near me is like he never died. Brushing my fingers over it before opening it, I have the words memorized. I read it again whispering under my tearful breath. 

Justin's letter/ Poem 

The drugs sedate me 

My pain is translucent in your dream 

Loosening consciousness in you 

Don't lose me in the rush 

My blood will flow from my veins 

In you I will find shelter 

Go into the heavens 

You will watch over me 

In my dream 

In my fears 

In my nightmares 

You are always there. 

Will you touch my porcelain skin 

Cold and blue 

Kiss my lips of death 

I never meant to hurt you 

Slain in my own obsession. 

You were the only thing that made sense 

Never wanting to leave you 

Never wanting to stay in this hell 

I am stuck in my own delusion 

I hope you forgive me in the end 

In our everlasting 

In my dreams your kisses so sweet 

In my death I know this is wrong 

I have no other choice. 

In a world that I am so hated 

You were my only peace 

Don't cry over me 

I am always in your dreams 

I will be back for you 

You will know my spirit 

We have always been connected 

Don't lose the faith. 

I saw no other choice 

It was this or never in my world 

So hopeless 

You know my abuse you know my pain 

You know my altered drug induced state 

I hated hurting you, I kiss you in your sleep 

My sweet I will always and forever be with you 

 

Your forever, 

Immortal beloved 

Laying my head on the bar, I remember his touch, his face and my desire for him. After 17 years I have never forgiven myself. I knew in time he would end it. There was nothing I could do. Oh God, how could I have let it happen? Let him go so easy without a fight? I scream inside my mind, thoughts broken by my own anger. I hear a familiar tune that sends chills through my spine. 

I walk through the bar in a daze. No one could know this song; we barred it when we lost Justin. I feel tears swelling in my eyes. I walk closer to the sound, dreading what I may see. That's when I see him smiling so brightly. He makes eye contact with me. It's startling, I see now it can't possibly be him. He's too young; about 17. I walk closer to him as he continues to play never skipping a beat. Sitting next to him he whispers in my ear, "You found me." 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

17 years ago - one month later 

The vibration of music echoes through the drafty home. Michael has a big grin on his face." Damn it, guys, we fucking sound awesome." 

Lindsay sits at her drum set. "You know guys all we need now is a name, then maybe a gig?" 

Brian lights up a joint. "How about Cock Suckers?" He flashes Lindsay a devilish grin. 

She throws her drumsticks at him. "Hey! Hello? Lesbian here, how about Snatch?" 

Brian looks at Lindsay raising a brow. "Oh that's just so wrong." 

She gives him a wicked laugh and wink 

Justin stares down his cousin "You trying to make me ill here?" He laughs sticking his tongue out at her. He takes a hit off Brian's joint. "Oh I know, how about Ass Lickers?" 

Brian nibbles on Justin's neck and ear. "Mmm, I like that one" 

Mikey shouts, "OH! OH! I got it!" He runs back to Brian's room grabbing an object then throwing it at Brian who catches it laughing. 

"Oh, I love the way you think, Mikey. I think we got a name; Lube. That's only if it's ok with our dear lesbian?" 

She nods her head grinning. "Hey, even I use lube; makes for a slick, smooth sensation." 

Justin scrunches his face. "Ewww gross, Linds, I so do not want to hear about pussy right now." 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Brian's POV later that evening 

I have become accustomed to Justin's mood changes, his highs and lows that come from taking drugs. He still has not told me. He must feel ashamed. Something inside tells me there is more to the story. I get a sick feeling thinking about it. 

He's wrapped tight in a blanket, his skin pale. He's shaking like a leaf. Lindsay goes to comfort him. She seems so confused about what's going on. Mikey gives me a knowing look. I can't betray Justin. I say nothing. 

I scoop him up in my arms taking him in the back room. I feel the fever running through his body and he's dripping heavily with sweat. I lay him down on the bed and hold his shaking body; his teeth are slightly chattering. He looks deep into me. "Brian?" 

I look back at him expectantly. "Yeah?" 

Suddenly he looks away. I rub my hands on his track marks. "Justin I know, I have known since day one. When was the last time you used?" 

He looks at me scared, his voice trembling. "You know?" I just nod my head. He turns his head away from me ashamed. I turn his head back to me. 

"Justin, I only care about you getting better. Tell me how long its been since you used." 

His voice quivers. "It's been 12 hours." He bolts up fidgeting. 

Pulling him close to me I caress his hair. "Are you trying to quit? Is that why it's been 12 hours? 

His eyes are so full of pain. "Brian, I want you to know I had no choice. I never planned on using. I've been trying to stop but as soon as I get stable it happens again." 

His words seem odd to me. "Justin, tell me, how did you start? What brought you to this point?" 

He stands up suddenly, pacing the room and rubbing his arms. As he becomes more and more antsy, he begins pulling at his hair. "Shit I can't do this!" he screams picking up his back pack and pulling out all its contents throwing them across the room. "Shit!" He scrambles quickly picking up all the contents. He grabs a small baggy of brown powder. Sitting on the floor, he begins rocking. He looks at the baggy for a while. I sit stunned not sure what to do. I can't stop him; he's in bad shape. 

I hear him mutter under his breath, "I don't have time to shoot it; too much time." He prepares it quickly then snorts it. His body begins to relax. His eyes flutter as he tries to stay conscious. 

Crawling next to him on the floor I hold him as the drug affects his body. Tears swell in my eyes. I can't stand seeing him hurt so much. "Justin, please tell me how you got to this point." 

He smiles at me and reaches for me weakly, his face droopy from the drugs. "My dad came home 4 months ago and found out I was gay. He beat the fucking shit out of me. I woke up 8 hours later having withdrawals." He looks up at me tears in his eyes. "He shot me up with heroin, Brian, my own father, cause he did not want the police to know he beat up his faggot son." 

I pull him so close to me hiding the tears trying to seep from my eyes. Rubbing his face gently, "That is so fucked up," I whisper in his ear. I caress his hair until he falls asleep. 

Lindsay walks in the room cautiously; her face shows the fear she's feeling. Kneeling beside me she whispers, "Brian?" Her voice trembles, "I overheard." She crawls up close to me crying and clinging onto me tightly. We find comfort in each other. She gently runs her fingers through Justin's hair. "I can't believe my uncle could do this to him." 

I feel the heat of anger penetrating my system. "He's a fucked up psycho. I thought my father was vicious but this man is pure vile and evil," I spit out in hatred. I see Michael standing in the doorway, the concern in his eyes. I know the two had a rough beginning but I truly feel he has begun to accept Justin in our lives. Michael walks over sitting on the other side of Justin rubbing his back. I see the mist forming in his eyes. 

He looks at Lindsay and me. "You three are my friends, my family; I don't want to see anything happen to us. What can we do to help him?" He leans down kissing Justin on the forehead then looks at me. "Brian, I know I was a fucking asshole to you both. But now when I see you together I can't see you apart." 

I brush my lips against Mikey's. "Thank you," I whisper. "The only thing we can do is be here for him, help him get clean." It's in his father's hands. We can't control what he does."


	2. Chapter 2

  
Author's notes: Lot's of thanks to my beta's, I love ya both.  


* * *

Michael's POV present day 

I wake up drenched in sweat. I see Ben next to me and smile, glad he stayed the night. Something is haunting me but I can't point it out. I kiss Ben on the cheek then throw on some clothes. I walk next door and knock on Brian's hotel room but no one answers. I feel sorrow welling in me. Over the years Brian and I have become in tunedwith each other, feeling what the other is feeling. I have this urge to find him, protect him from his demons. 

I walk down to the hotel lobby, that's when I hear it. The piano playing the very haunting song of Justin. The mist fills my eyes. Justin was like a brother to me. I walk in the bar to get a glimpse of where the music is coming from. Brian's face seems frozen in time as he watches the young man that looks so much like our Justin. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Debbie's POV 17 years earlier 

I hear the bell ring above the door and turn to see Justin walking through. I met him a few weeks ago and noticed how close he and Brian seemed to be. I smile to myself in wonder that Brian could open his heart to anyone after all he has gone through. It made me happy that Justin seemed to really have it together, but last night when they brought him to my house around midnight I could tell something was wrong; I mean really wrong. 

The kids told me they needed to stay with Justin and asked if they could spend the night. I fixed up the sofa bed for the two boys and told Lindsay she could sleep in the spare room when she got tired. After everything settled down I went upstairs. 

Half an hour later I had a headache and came downstairs for some water and Tylenol. That's when I saw Justin curled up in Brian's arms. I could see his exposed back covered in angry bruises and my heart ached for him. I became angry at myself for not seeing the signs, and even more angry at the bastard who could do this. Brian saw me and his eyes pleaded for me not to say anything. I nodded and continued on my way to the kitchen as though my heart wasn't breaking. 

This morning I bumped into Justin coming out of the bathroom holding his back pack. He looked strung out. I felt sick to my stomach and wondered what hell this young man has gone through to bring him to this point. 

Now as I greet him in the diner he looks OK, like any average rebellious kid. I feel like they are all my kids as I scan the diner looking at all the customers who have become my dysfunctional family. 

I walk over and sit across from Justin smiling widely. "Hey Sweetie ,you look much better this afternoon. Are you feeling better?" 

He smiles his bright smile that I missed so much last night. "Yeah Deb, I'm a lot better. Thank you for letting me stay over last night." I watch as he turns away, pulling together his thoughts. He looks back up at me with a glint of steel in his eyes, "I've been going through a hard time." His expression softens. "I'm glad I found Brian and the others. They look after me." 

I pat his cheek lightly. "Of course they do, honey, they all really love you." I lean in and whisper, "Especially Brian, even though we both know he will never say it. I've known that kid for some time now and I have never seen him care for someone as much as he does you." 

Damn if that kid's smile doesn't get even bigger as he blushes violently. For the tough rebel Punker he claims to be he's got a soft heart and a hard on for Brian. I giggle at my own silly thought. 

"So kid, what'll it be? You want some lunch?" He shakes his head no. I stand up and smile, "OK then, one cheese burger, fries and a shake coming up." I give him a motherly smile and he laughs and thanks me. 

Before I go to put in his order I turn back to him. "Tell the group to bring their instruments home. You all can practice in the garage, I am sure that drafty house is freezing this time of year. Plus Punk music is always better when done with electric instruments, which I'm sure you all have as well." 

"You know about the house?" His voice squeaks and I can't help but laugh. 

"Yeah I know ." 

He shakes his head. "You know, Deb, you have to be the coolest Mom I ever met." 

"Don't tell Michael that." I wink receiving a chuckle 

"I think he already knows, all he has to do is look at me and Brian's fucked up family lives to know he has it good." 

Damn this kid is breaking my heart all over again and I have to sit back down. I lightly cover his hand with mine. "If it ever gets so bad at home and you need somewhere to go, our door is always open. In Brian's case the window's always open but he likes to feel like he is being sneaky so I let him." 

"Yeah that sounds like Brian." He smiles. "Thanks Deb, I mean it, you're the first adult I've ever met who really seems to get us kids. I'll probably have to take you up on your offer sooner than you think." 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Later that evening I'm drinking coffee and reading the paper. The county fair is coming next week. I've been listening to the kids playing for about an hour and they are good; I mean really good. Last time I really listened to them they pretty much sucked; that's when they took the instruments out to the vacant house. I walk into the garage when they take a break. All four jump, trying to hide the beer they're drinking, which I know they stole from the fridge. I can't help but laugh. 

I know who the culprit is and I walk up behind Brian and slap him upside the head. "You little asshole." He looks at me rubbing his head with a scowl on his face. "Next time all you have to do is ask for a beer." I shake my finger at all of them. "But this does not give you the OK to party into the night, but one beer is fine." They all relax. 

I throw the paper on a table with an advertisement about the county fair talent show. "You guys should sign up; you're good." I walk out of the room and let them chew on it for awhile. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Crystal's POV - A week later at the county fair 

Burning sage and cedar wood I cleanse the small booth in which I'll be doing my card readings. I feel something different in the air today, something unsettling yet comfortable at the same time. Loreena Mckennitt plays softly in the background as I light my candles and fall into a deep, meditative state of mind. 

I see the Goddess Isis, she walks without looking at me, dropping petals of roses at our feet. I notice the further we walk, the darker and more desolate the world around us becomes. Dead skeletal trees curve all around us, there's a brown shadow of dust twirling through the black leaves. 

She finally turns to me with tears rolling down her cheek. I reach for her. "Mother what is wrong?" She gently takes my hand and wipes away the illusion of the dark world. We are standing in front of a house now. I turn out of curiosity, the other world is still visible behind us, but blocked temporarily from this reality. Looking back at the tattered home with the slanted porch and peeling paint she holds my hand as we walk up the steps. I notice there are holes in the porch. As she opens the door I am stunned to see evidence that someone may actually live here. 

Then I feel the love and pure essence of deep friendship inside. The walls are beautifully painted with a fantasy world full of dragons and Faeries. I see a young woman laughing as she paints and three young men watching her from their spots on the sofa. I'm drawn to two of the men. One is tall with chestnut hair and eyes of hazel that gaze softly on the shorter man with blond hair and blue eyes. I can feel an amazing connection of love between them. They cuddle close, kissing, smiling as the taller man tickles the other. I can also see their eyes are full of lust. 

Suddenly they get up and run playfully to the back of the house. I feel a bit uneasy and somewhat intrigued as Isis walks us behind them. They close the door and passionately devour each other with kisses, caressing every part of each other's bodies. 

I feel like a voyeur and turn to look away. As much as I would like to watch this beautiful scene I know it's not right; but Isis smiles at me and turns my head back in their direction. "Watch, my dear child, for it is important for you to see this." 

As they start to undress I begin to see her reasons. Both young men are covered in bruises. She walks towards them and gently touches their hair, then she turns her sad gaze to me. "Look into their souls. They are so beautiful." 

I watch as her tears turn to blood and she leads me away from the young lovers. I see a trail of syringes piling into the form of a maze. She walks me through and the piles grow higher and higher and the path more confusing. The needles start to prick into my skin. As we twist through the maze I feel lightheaded and dazed with blurry vision. I see the young blond man. He is shielding a small girl behind him. He screams at an older man at the top of his lungs "Don't you touch her! Don't you ever touch her again!" I watch as the older man beats and drugs him. I try to pull away; I want out of this nightmare, out of these thoughts. Isis feels my reluctance and pulls me firmly back into the room where the two men are still kissing. 

Soon though another vision is upon me. Razor blades appear sporadically on the floor and I hear a muffled cry. The blond is sitting with his back against the wall. He is shaking with one knee raised, holding a blade to his wrist. He is speaking but his words are jumbled and he's not making sense. His voice is weak and shaky, "I can't, I can't, he will die if I live. I have to protect him. I have to die so Gabriel can live." I see a little boy run up to him and kiss him on the cheek as he thanks him. I look to Isis confused; she smiles and speaks softly, "It is only his body that dies, dear." She is so serene while I feel on the edge of a breakdown with the urge to help him, to keep him safe. 

The vision shifts slightly again and my heart clenches as I see the taller man walks in, to find his love on the floor in a pool of blood . He grabs the weak and fading body to him and screams, "Oh God! No! No! No!" The blond whispers something but I can't hear his final words. 

The brunette picks up his lover, cradling him gently against his chest. He carries him to another home where he confronts the same man who had beaten and drugged the young blond in my earlier vision. He screams while still clutching the blood soaked body to him; "You did this! You fucking sick bastard!" His eyes are wild as he continues his tirade, "You killed your son! How can you call yourself a father?" 

Yet another shift and I watch as the casket lowers into the ground. 

A change in the wind occurs as the rose petals that lead us to this path take us to yet another. Isis takes my hand and smiles as we walk into a nursery. I hear a small baby cry. A woman cradling the child whispers; "Dear sweet, sweet Gabriel. Born the night your brother and mother died. An orphan in a matter of moments. I'll be sure to find you a good home. " 

"Time seems to wash over the two and I see the same woman at the park with a young blond boy. She's smiling at him with pure love. "Come here, Gabriel, give mommy a hug." 

Another scene and I see the man with chestnut hair. He looks older and his eyes are haunted. He's singing on stage with the man and woman I saw with him in the house earlier. I smile as I see the packed auditorium. Then I spot the young blond in the crowd who looks different but yet the same. He is intrigued with the tall man. Their eyes meet and there is an electrical current felt in the air. 

It dawns on me now who this young man is. He is a familiar soul, but in a different body. Somehow I need to tell the tall man to keep faith; that he will be reunited with his love, but I don't know how. Then I wonder if everything I just saw was my own imagination. 

Then I hear Isis whisper, "In 17 years I will call upon you to help him. In 17 years." 

I am jolted back to reality by a loud racket. I walk out through the beads of my booth and am fascinated to see the four young people I had just envisioned. They are setting up their instruments on the fairground stage. The young couple are even more beautiful in person than they were in my sight. 

I watch as the taller man walks behind the blond and caresses his back lovingly. The blond smiles this radiant beam of sunlight and grabs his hand. They laugh and run toward the restrooms. I turn back to my booth shaking my head, smiling to myself. If only I could be a fly on the wall. I can just imagine what they are doing. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Justin's POV 

Brian has me pinned up against the wall of the bathroom stall. He's smiling at me so tenderly and I can't believe how head over heals in love I am with this man. He is my love and he is my life. I can't get enough of him. He kisses me softly then pulls away. "Thank you," he says quietly. 

I'm a bit puzzled. "For?" 

He gives me a playful smirk. "For coming into my life." I take his hand and link our fingers. "Thank you for this tonight; our band. You're the one who makes us sound good. I know someday we'll be big then you and I can bask in our successful lives. 

I smile and laugh as I kiss him on the cheek, "My dear man, are you delirious or are you just in love?" I ask jokingly. 

He licks my neck up to my lobe and breathes into my ear. "Both." 

Looking into his eyes I see that he means it. I'm shocked at his simple confession. He takes me into his arms and we make passionate love right there in the men's room at the county fair. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Brian's POV present day 

Sitting down next to the young man that looks so much like Justin, I feel completely dumbfounded. I know this can't be him; he is too young. But I have to ask, I need to know for sure. "Do I know you?" I look deep into his soul searching for answers 

He touches my cheek smiling. "I have known you since the day I was born. You haunt my every dream my every thought. Have we met? No...not in this life but I know you, your touch. Your passion. Something in my gut has this deep hunger for you, I have felt so disconnected till I saw you tonight. Your eyes brought me back to life." 

I tried to hold back any emotion, by building up my wall around me. "How do you know that song." 

He looks at me his eyes big and blue; a mist covers them. "Also In my dreams I have been haunted by visions my whole life, of you, of this song." He looks at me intensely as though he is searching every fiber of my being then he draws a blank. When he speaks his voice is shaky. "Who are you to me? Why do I know you? Why can't I ever stop thinking of you?" 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Brian's POV at the fair ground 17 years earlier 

Justin and I run out of the bathroom laughing, pinning me up against the wall. He brings us into a passionate kiss then pulls away licking his lips. He looks so fucking hot. Yet when I look into his eyes, I am reminded of my heart's despair. I can see the drugs in him slowly killing his body and spirit. Embracing him close I feel his sharp and jagged ribcage. There's a deep calmness in him now. I know he is taking more than heroin, something to bring him down from the high. He does not have to tell me. I already know. It pains my heart. I should tell him how much he means to me. It's my personal fears. I just hope he knows, I gave him my heart the first night we fucked. For the first time in my life I found someone I care about. And to loose him slowly like this is devastating 

I feel an overwhelming pull. Looking in the direction of the sensation, I notice a lovely woman medium in height. Her long red hair flows over her shoulder and back. She's wearing a peasant dress with a gypsy sash around her hips. Her smile is comforting she nods her head to me in acknowledgment as she walks in to her fortune telling booth. I have always been very skeptical about such things. But now in my life I am so concerned about Justin that I am willing to take a risk and see if there is anything to this crystal ball. 

I lean down kissing Justin's neck and nibbling on his ear. " Come on, Sunshine, let's go get our futures read." He looks at me shocked then amused. 

As we enter the booth a calming sensation flows over me. The woman greets us with a smile. 

"I'm Crystal." 

We also introduce ourselves. She takes our hands leading us through the booth. "Brian, Justin, please join me on the sofa." 

I look at her puzzled. "The sofa?" 

She lets out a beautiful laugh. "Yes, no need for you to be uncozy in those fold out chairs. This reading will be different from what I usually give." 

I have to admit I'm intrigued. "How come? Ours will be different?" I challenge her 

She sits us down then grabs a chair sitting across from Justin and myself. "Because you were drawn to come here Brian, that in itself is different. Most people come looking for answers wanting a love, wanting cash, all the boring stuff. But you, my dear boy, are skeptical and the only reason why you are here is your pure gut. That's spirit, looking after you. That's why this is different; spirit has a message for you ." I feel a bit uneasy; she read my thoughts but at the same time she challenged me and I respect that. 

"Your band is good. I see tonight you will be approached for a gig; it's for a local bar or club this is your stepping stone to bigger better things." 

As she does the reading I watch Justin's expressions. There is something I am unable to detect; he does not seem himself. 

Crystal takes Justin's hand in hers. "Dear young man, you are going through a very difficult time in your life. There will be decisions made that will change your life and Brian's forever." An eerie expression covers her face. Then she looks at me. "Brian, you and Justin will be separated; it is part of fate and it will make you stronger. But you need to keep an open mind, no matter what happens to Justin I emphasize no matter what happens to him. You will be reunited in 17 years." 

I hear Justin clear his throat speaking for the first time. "How many months do we have left together?" 

I see the hesitation in her eyes. She connects Justin's and my hands together; our fingers entwine. "You have four months. Enjoy every moment of them. Be safe in everything you do. You two are always meant to be together." 

I take Justin in my arms. I feel him shaking and he whispers, "I knew it. I already knew, and our separation is my death." I feel sick from his words, he looks at me with his silver blue eyes.  "Brian, I am going to die." 

Now I am so horrified I whisper in his ear, "If you die how will we come back together. I don't understand," 

He smiles up at me, tears in his eyes as he cups my cheek. "I am always with you, Brian, in spirit. I will come back. You need to look for my spirit I will be in another body." 

"What! " I look at Crystal and then at Justin as if they were both insane. "Stop fucking with me." 

Crystal puts her hand on my chest. "Your heart will know him. I wish we were fucking with you. But what Justin says is true. I can tell he has the sight; he has seen his fate. It was shown to me in visions as well." She pulls away. I can tell she is trying to break the tension with a silly grin. "To be honest I would never fuck with you, Brian. But on the other hand I would not mind fucking you though." She gives me a wink and chuckles. "But I know I am not your type. But boy, you two, next time you make a bathroom break try not to be so noticeable. You turned this old girl on, damn! " 

Justin and I both let out a laugh at her unexpected tactic. "You saw that, huh? He gives his sunshine smile leaning back on the sofa seeming more confident. "What can we say we just can't get enough of each other." Then he wraps his arm around me. 

As we all stand she embraces Justin and myself. When I go to hand her the money for the reading she says, "No, my dear, this one as I said is different from most readings." She whispers in my ear to tell him more often how I feel and remember what Justin has to do is the correct thing even if it seems morally wrong." I look at her confused then she squeezes my arm to comfort me. Then whispers, "17 years." 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Lindsay looks around not seeing Brian or Justin. "Oh my God, Mikey, they're at it again," she playfully jokes rolling her eyes. 

"I know they, like do it, like all the time," he chimes in his best valley girl tone. The two friends look at each other laughing. And in unison yell, "Like totally gag me with a spoon!" 

Lindsay leans up against the wall letting out a breath of air . "I'm just jealous. I want some hot female tongue on my clit." 

Michael scrunches his nose looking at her with wide eyes. "Eww." He cover his ears, "La, la, la I am not listening." He leans up against the wall next to Linds "You know the sad thing is, the only time I got somewhat lucky I paid for it and the blow job was awful and rushed. So I don't think it counts." 

Brian and Justin walk around the corner just as Michael stops talking. "Well Mikey, if you shoot it counts." He walks away fast before Mikey can hit him. Laughing at his fast get away, he sticks his tongue out at his best friend. Then lets out a mocking laugh 

"Asshole," Michael huffs out then gives a grin. "So besides fucking where have you two been? 

He watches Justin and Brian. They both have a strange look upon their faces. Brian looks into Justin's eyes cupping his hands around his lover's face. Both gaze into each other silently; those unspoken words speaking volumes. Brian then looks at his best friend tongue in cheek. "We were just fucking is all." He pulls Justin into a passionate kiss savoring every moment like it is their last. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Brian's POV 

We have been forced to endure one awful talent after another for 45 minutes as we wait for our turn to go on stage. I roll my eyes at the tap dancing pig and Justin laughs wildly pulling me into a kiss. Even though we've had some trials today, the good has by far outweighed the bad. Huddled in each other's arms we notice Lindsay very nervously adding eyeliner on top of eyeliner. 

I watch in amusement as Justin walks over and covers her hand. "Lindsay, stop! You're going to poke your eyes out." He grins at her slyly and grabs the pencil out of her hand. Before I know it he is stalking toward me with a look of determination. He taunts me with the pencil as he lets out an evil laugh. 

"No way in hell am I going to wear chick make up," I growl. 

"You know you want it, Brian. You want me to give it to you," he purrs softly as he moves closer. All of a sudden I notice him nodding his head to Mikey and Lindsay. In a flash all three of my friends have me pinned down on the ground with Mikey and Lindsay holding my arms and Justin straddling my hips. 

"Fuck!" I try to wiggle myself free, but they all just laugh playfully and I finally give up and let them have their way. 

"It's smooth sailing from now on," Justin breathes into my ear as he leans down grinding himself against me. The heat of his growing erection tempers the feeling of the harsh pencil against my tender skin. He pulls back and smiles as he licks his thumb and wipes it under my eyes. 

I make a face at him. "What the fuck are you doing now?" 

"Just a smudge, all better." Mikey and Lindsay finally let go of my arms as Justin leans down and kisses my ear. "Now you look hot!" He licks down my neck and sucks gently. His breath is warm against my skin and my own cock is straining at my zipper. He chuckles quietly and grabs my crotch before he pulls away. "Just something to remind you of me while we're on stage," he whispers. 

"Asshole," I mutter as he climbs off me and sticks his tongue out. "Fuck guys, I'm no drag queen. Give me a fucking mirror." As I look at my reflection I realize Justin is right, I do look hot, maybe even sexy. "OK, I will admit it's not bad, but shit, warn a guy next time." 

Finally it's our turn to go on stage. We all break into hysterical laughter as we hear the old man announce us. "And now for your listening pleasure; LUBE!" 

We run to the stage too excited to feel nervous. In a matter of moments we have settled in and start our song. My breath catches in my throat when I look over at Justin. His blue eyes are twinkling so bright and he looks truly happy. Then he begins to sing and I am so mesmerized by his voice I almost forget to play my own part. 

We debated long and hard before choosing which song we would play. Even though we know it will cause some commotion we decide to play 'Winter Bruises'. We all lose ourselves in the harsh beat of the music. 

Winter Bruises 

All alone in the winter 

Cold in freezing 

Blood flown passages 

You don't really care 

All I have are bruises in my mind 

From your incentive 

Will you go away 

If I tell you to fuck off? 

You never wanted me 

So take away your ignorant logic 

Have another beer 

Go to the living room 

Lose yourself in the game 

Keep telling yourself everything's OK 

You are a weak minded mother fucker 

Will you go away 

If I tell you to fuck off? 

You never wanted me 

So take away your ignorant logic 

Drugged and alone 

I feel your piercing tongue 

Killing me slowly 

No kindness left in these bones 

We are all shocked as our amps and microphones are suddenly turned off. I look at my best friends; Lindsay grins mischievously and holds up her hands in the typical sign of rock 'n roll. I nod to her with a grin then do the same as I look into the audience. I am amazed when I see the teenagers and young adults cheering for us to go on playing. The older people are scowling and shaking their heads in disgust. 

I yell, "Rock and roll!" As we run off the stage laughing just as hard as when we entered. Throwing my arms around Justin I kiss him passionately, savoring his taste. I lay my forehead against his and whisper, "Now that was fucking hot!" 

We all turn to listen as Debbie yells at the man who cut our amps and microphones. "What is wrong with you? These kids are talented and you just turned off their music?" 

"Well ma'am, their music is vulgar and not appropriate for the fair." 

"Haven't you ever heard of freedom of speech? All I got to say to you mister is shame on you, and fuck you too if you can still even get it up at your age" 

I shake my head laughing as Debbie turns her back on the befuddled man and embraces each of us. "I'm proud of all of you for taking a stand and saying 'fuck you' to the masses." 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

As we walk out of the grounds with our instruments I hear someone calling my name. "Brian, Brian. Wait!" 

"Yeah? " 

The short red-haired man looks to be in his mid 20's. He is out of breath as he speaks to me. "Hi, I'm Charlie. My family and I own a small bar on Liberty Avenue called Woody's. I know you guys are underage and can't drink but you can still play your music if you're interested. I'm not sure how much we can pay right now but it would be a start." 

I was stunned. "Really? You want to hire us?" 

"Hell yeah, you guys where fucking awesome! Can you come Friday around four? You could set up and do a dress rehearsal then come back and play around 8 if that's ok?" 

I hold out my hand to shake his. "Definitely a plan. Thanks, man." 

I run up to the rest of my bandmates and put my arms around them. "Guess who has a gig?" I give them my best smug tone. 

Michael looks at me in shock. "No fucking way! Even after they turned us off?" 

"Well, Mikey," I whisper in his ear, "someone must have gotten turned on cause we got a gig!" 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Brian's POV Present day 

Sitting on the bench next to the young man I am startled by his words when he asks who I am to him. I don't know what to say and the words fumble in my mouth. " I don't know who you are to me, but I do know you resemble someone I once cared about." I pause and look hard at the young man. His eyes reveal a sweet innocence but as I look deeper within his soul there is an intensity of a story untold. There is anguish, sadness and burdens that I am not even sure he knows are there. I do though, and in him I see the same presence I once saw in the only man I ever cared about. I choke back my tears and look down at his wrists, noticing red marks running vertically up both arms. Lightly I touch them with my fingertips, feeling the young man shudder under my touch. 

There is sadness in his eyes as he looks at me with a gaze full of pain. "I know what it looks like, but I've never tried to hurt myself. The marks have been there since birth. I was told my brother Justin slit his wrists and died hours before I was born. I always felt these marks were a symbol that he was looking after me." 

I am dumbfounded from his words. "Gabriel." I know my voice holds a hint of desperation. "I can't do this now." I can feel the tears welling in my eyes. Holding them back I harden my emotions and Gabriel seems surprised at my rapid mood change. I get up smirking at him, and speak into his ear firmly, "I'm onto you kid and I don't need this shit. Digging up my past; now that is an interesting trick for a groupie," I say tongue in cheek. 

I see Michael approach when I walk away but I slide right past choosing to ignore him. I want to avoid his accusations and questions right now. Right now what I need is pain management to be able to handle this new occurrence in my life. I take a small vile from my pocket and inhale twice. Shaking off the sensation I try to disconnect myself from reality. 

I notice a tall, good-looking redhead leaning against the bar. Nice ass, big cock, yeah he'll do the trick. He gives me the once over and I smirk as I grab him by the waistband of his jeans and tow him to my room. I don't care if he knows who I am, I need release. Dominating him, I shove him against the wall. He tries to kiss me, they all try, but I just bury my head into his neck to avoid his lips. I never let my tricks kiss me. I haven't kissed anyone sexually since Justin and that's how it should be. Turning the trick against the wall I reach in my pocket for lube and a condom. Preparing him and myself, I bury my cock deep within the trick's ass. 

As I'm fucking him all I can see is Justin, his sunshine smile and his infectious laugh. He's just downstairs, all I have to do is admit he came back to me, but I can't. The pain is still so real after all these years. I can still see the blood from his open wrists on that horrible night. Fuck, I grit my teeth trying to rid myself of my thoughts. I hear the trick yell in ecstasy as I thrust harder 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Justin's POV 

Through the windows of Gabriel's orbs I see my love Brian. I am buried deep inside my brother's subconscious, but I am him and he is me. I can see in Brian's eyes that he knows it's me, but he's scared. I hurt him so badly; I hurt my only love. I hope Brian understands my life is better now. I know Gabriel does not understand because when I was reincarnated most of my memories were lost. Now only through hints of dreams can he realize the truth. I don't want him to see it all though. I don't want him to remember the pain. 

I know where Brian has gone and I know what he's doing. It's what we always did when things got rough. Our own special form of pain management. In the back of Gabriel's mind I am his intuition and I will encourage him not to give up. I will remind him of a story his mother once told him long ago. I smile to myself when I think of what is to come. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Gabriel's POV 

Sitting here alone I remain baffled by this man. How did he know my name? I feel the tears building up; why did he think I was playing him? I'm no groupie. Sure I've heard their music but I never even knew what he looked like. There was something familiar about his voice that resonated within me. I was not starstruck even when I met him. I came along with my Uncle Ben so we could spend some time together while he was in town and now, God! I knew something was different when I saw Brian. He is the man from my dreams, from my memories. How do I know him and how does he know me? 

Suddenly I am reminded of a tragic love story my mother once told me when I was about 12. I awoke one night screaming from a nightmare. I did not comprehend the parallels it had in my life. My mother ran into my room and held me close rocking me. She spoke quietly as she wove the tragic tale. 

"Gabriel, I know what I'm going to tell you sounds crazy but I swear to you all these events are true. I was in the process of trying to adopt a child, which would be you." She smiled pulling me close. I couldn't help but giggle. "Your father and I had been having a difficult time getting everything to go through. I had gone to the fair with a friend of mine who encouraged me to go see the psychic there. I laughed at her but felt drawn as well.  When I walked in the booth the beautiful woman took my hands right away. 

'Sweet lady, it has been shown to me that you work as a nurse and you are trying to adopt a child. In four months you will have an infant come to you under tragic circumstances. He will need to be loved and cherished. He is a kind soul who yet still lives in this present moment. She pointed to a young blonde man on stage singing with his band. He will be your son reincarnated. His life is difficult now and he has a very cruel and abusive father. His mother is kind but very frightened. In 4 months he will take his own life the same night his mother dies giving birth to his younger brother. You will raise the baby in a loving family.' She pointed to another man on stage. 'That is his lover, Brian. They will be rejoined in love in 17 years. Please be open to their relationship. I know this is difficult to hear, but they belong together and always have.' 

I pull away from my mother and look at her like she may have lost her mind. She laughs and hugs me again. "You know, sweetie, I thought the woman was loony. Trust me, but I don't think that way anymore. I was there that night in the hospital when it all happened." I could see the tears swelling in her eyes as she grabs for a tissue. "I'm sorry, Gabe. It's just hard to talk about. But I am so glad you came to me out of the whole mess." 

She dabbed her eyes again and continued to tell the story. "All I know is the part I saw. A tall young man with auburn hair stepped out of the ambulance in a complete state of shock. He was drenched in blood and tears. I could hear someone else wailing and saw an older woman who was very pregnant. She kept screaming over and over, 'He can't be dead! He can't be!' Then she would huddle over in pain as another contraction overtook her. Another nurse was at her side in a matter of moments leading her to a chair. The younger man clung to the bloody body covered in a sheet as it lay on a gurney. He made no sound as he wept vigilantly. Then the pregnant woman hysterically called to the young man, 'Brian, Brian! I need you! Please, please, I need you!' He looked over to her and came out of his daze, then became focused on her pain. He walked straight over to me. His voice was a little shaky, but he seemed steady. 'I need to be with her, but I can't do it covered in her son's blood. He was HIV positive. Do you have a place I could shower?' I was stunned by his bluntness, yet already he was caring for you." 

Mom patted my knee with a hint of a smile. "He wanted you to be safe. I could see how brokenhearted he was but he was able to pull himself together for you. I led him to the Doctor's showers and he thanked me very politely." 

As I listen to my mother intently the tragic story reminds me of bits and pieces of the dreams I have had through the years. Her voice was a bit shaky as she continued. "The whole thing was a big circus. Police were swarming the room asking questions about your birth father. Brian stepped out of the labor room for a moment to give a report of what he knew. Then he asked them to please leave Jennifer alone until after the birth of her child. He stayed with her as her coach and Jennifer seemed to be fine until it was time to push. Nobody realized until it was too late that she had a weak heart. We found out later that she had been too afraid of her husband to keep up on her prenatal visits. Her heart gave out, but she lived long enough to hold you and give you your name. She loved you very much; that much I could see." 

"After your mother passed Brian finally let everything overtake him. He sat in her room and cried for hours. At that point I realized who he was; the young man from the stage at the fair and then I knew who you were. I wrapped you up nice and warm and cautiously walked into the room. I sat down next to him and asked if he would like to hold you, Gabriel. Brian nodded his head and took your small body into his arms. I heard him whisper, 'You came back. Just like you promised.' He held you close and caressed your cheek and I saw a spark in his eyes. I knew right then that the story the psychic told me was true." She brushed my hair out of my eyes, "Gabe, you have a good life now so never be afraid, plus a wonderful man that will come into your life when you're old enough." I remember how much I blushed at her words. 

All my questions had been answered except one, "Mom what happened to my birth father?" 

I saw the pain resurface in her eyes as she held both my hands. "Honey, one of the reasons Justin killed himself was his father." She choked on her tears. "I'm sorry, honey, give me a moment." Pulling herself together she wiped her eyes and blew her nose then looked at me. "Now remember, honey, this is in the past. Your father beat your brother many times, often until he broke bones, then he would drug him with heroin so he would not have to take him to the hospital. He purposefully infected your brother with HIV. Craig was arrested for attempted murder and the amount of drugs found in the home alone was enough to lock him up for a long time." 

I was shocked and appalled but also relieved. "So he's in jail?" She shook her head no. "What? He got out?" 

She let out a little laugh; "No honey, he's 6 feet under, prison life was not good to him." 

I remember that night and my head starts spinning. I can't believe I have already forgotten everything my mother told me. God, how could I have forgotten that? 

My thoughts are interrupted as a middle-aged woman with long red hair sits next to me. Her words are soft. "You were not supposed to remember." I look at her in confusion and see tears in her eyes as she cups my chin with her hand. Her fingertips shake slightly. "You look just like him. Your brother was a good man," she then smiles, "you are a good man." 

I pull from her grasp. "Do I know you?" 

"We met once in your other life and I met your mother 17 years ago. I am only here to confirm that her story is true. Please be gentle with Brian, his heart is fragile. He comes across strong but he's been so broken." She puts her hand on my wrist and caresses the marks. "These are to remind you of who you once were. You are your brother so yes he has always been with you." She hands me a card with her number. "Call me if you two ever need anything." She vanishes just as quickly as she appeared. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Michael's POV 

Brian walks past me without even acknowledging my existence. I watch as he takes a bump then grabs a trick. I immediately recognize his old form of pain management. It was how he got through Justin's death and anything else that has been tragic in his life. I look at the young man he was sitting next to and see the confusion on his face. 

Focusing back on Brian I yell for him but he keeps walking. "Brian! Brian! Fuck," I mutter under my breath. Curiosity gets the best of me as I walk back into the lobby. I see a woman is now talking to the young man. I turn for a moment and then she's gone and I feel a cold chill travel up my spine. Something inside me says I need to go talk to him, but I'm not sure if I want to. I don't know if I should hug the kid because he looks like our friend or slug him. 

Before I can reach him he is standing in front of me. His voice sounds concerned. "You must be Michael. Is my Uncle Ben still in your room? I need to talk to him." I can feel my jaw almost drop to the floor. Fuck, this changes everything. Now I remember Ben saying his nephew Gabriel was going to stay with him while we were in town. Suddenly realization floods into my head and it all makes sense. 

I grab his wrist and look sternly into his eyes. "Don't hurt Brian. I realize who you are now and he needs time." 

The kid looks shaken. "I'm sorry, I didn't know. I swear I did not know. He thinks I'm some groupie trying to fuck with his head." 

I become very protective of my friend. "What did you say to make him even question the possibility?" 

Gabe holds up his wrist and I can see the marks. "He asked about these so I told him how I've had them since I was born and explained that my brother Justin slit his wrists the night I was born. I just said I thought they meant my brother was telling me that he was looking out for me." 

I feel the anger rolling off me. "Fuck kid, what did you do? Shit! No wonder Brian is back to pain management mode." 

"Pain management? What does that mean?" 

I run my fingers through my hair. "Fuck. It means he uses some sort of substance to alter his mind then grabs a trick and fucks his brains out." I pull him with me. "Let's go get your Uncle. I need to find Brian." As we get to the door I look at Gabe. "He doesn't do boyfriends anymore. He's been hurt too badly so stay the fuck away from him, ok? He does not need this now." 

I have to admit the kid's got balls. He reminds me of his brother as he pushes me with a steely glint in his eyes. "Don't fucking tell me what to do when it comes to Brian. You always wanted him for yourself. You gave my Brother a hard time at first too and now you're trying to control me." 

I'm not sure what to say. "How did you know that?" He winks at me laughing,."Call it a hunch. Now tell me where the fuck Brian's room is. I've decided to talk to him instead of good old Uncle Ben." 

I tell him the room number and Gabe walks off laughing wickedly very much like Justin used to do. I can imagine him in my mind tossing a lit cigarette carelessly to the ground as he walked off with that 'I don't give a shit' attitude. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Gabriel's POV 

As I approach Brian's room moans of ecstasy seep through the door. The sensation of my own growing erection frustrates me. "Shit!" I reach in my pocket and grab a cigarette and lighter. I look up on the wall and see a no smoking sign. "Fuck that!" I growl in irritation as I light the cigarette not caring about the repercussions. A nervous laugh flees my lips as I debate how to approach Brian. Deciding not to knock I turn the doorknob instead, letting myself quietly into Brian's room. 

Brian makes eye contact with me instantly and a smirk spreads across his lips. I become aroused automatically as I take in the small beads of sweat that have formed on his tan, lean frame. A slight gasp leaves my lips before I can stop it and he lets out an arrogant laugh as he thrusts harder, firmly holding the tricks thighs with each thrust, never letting his eyes drift from mine. 

As I lean against the door and take another deep drag from my cigarette I feel my thoughts being led to another time. I can hear a shower running and my surroundings appear to be a school hallway. I walk into the shower room and see a beautiful site before me. Brian is younger and just as handsome, as his naked form glistens through the water. His hands are firmly planted on an older mans hips as he slams in hard bringing them both over the edge. Leaning against the wall ,I stroke myself as their muffled orgasm overtakes them. The memory seems to fade and all I can hear is my voice, "I saw you fucking the gym teacher." 

I open my eyes suddenly. I see Brian is standing naked before me. His tone is sarcastic. "So did you like the show?" 

I'm not sure what to say so I nervously take another drag as he gently moves me away from the door and pushes the trick out. I'm amused when I notice the trick is still naked then Brian shoves his clothes and shoes into his arms. "When do I get to see you again?" the trick asks excitedly. 

Brian raises his eyebrow smirking. "In your dreams." He slams the door hard and turns to look at me intensely. "What are you doing here?" 

I hear the words forming on my lips but I don't understand how they escaped. "I saw you." 

He lets out a husky laugh. "Of course you saw me. You invaded my room, now you can get the fuck out." 

Looking him directly in the eyes my voice is firm. "No, I saw you fucking the gym teacher." I smirk at him showing my equal rank in this fucked up situation. 

For a split second Brian's guard goes down and he looks at me in complete shock. Then he shrugs his shoulders leaning in close. "I've fucked a lot of guys. What's your point?" He pulls away and grabs the cig from my hand putting it out. "You're too young to smoke, Sonny boy." 

"And you're too old to fuck around." 

He lets out a laugh. "You have your brother's attitude; its uncanny." I can feel the emotions flowing through his body but he is holding on strong. 

He pushes past me and grabs a bottle of Jim Beam then turns on his CD player. The Cranberries play softly in the background as he gulps down the harsh liquid like water. Playfully I raise my brow at his choice of music. 

"What?" Slamming the bottle down forcefully on the nightstand his piercing eyes penetrate intensely against my skin. 

All of a sudden I'm burning from the urgency of needing him. I walk up to him. "I'm just shocked you like a group like this is all." 

He clears his throat looking away. "Well I don't follow anyone's rules. I like what I like." 

I nod at him holding back a smile. "Well I like them too, if that's any consolation." The music flows through me giving me courage as I draw nearer to him. I wrap my hand around his neck and pull him down to me. Disappointment runs though my whole being as he tilts his head away. Unexpectedly I feel his warm hands touch both sides of my face as he looks deeply into my soul. A spark of acknowledgment shows in his expression before he crushes our lips together in a sensual kiss. A muffled cry escapes from his mouth into mine and then I am tasting his tears. I bring him into a comforting embrace whispering to him softly. "Brian?" 

I'm confused by my own emotions. We just met and already I want to confess my undying love to him. Brian looks up at me and I see it in his eyes. I see his own desire and need for my affection. The sensation is strong as I feel his body heat so close to mine, I place my hand over his heart and whisper, "Brian, I'm going to fall in love with you. You don't have to love me back." 

He lets out a loud gasp as his body collapses onto the bed. His breath is heavy and labored as the shock of my words careen into his soul. His voice quivers when he is finally able to speak. "It's you. It's really you." He chokes out a small laugh as he pulls me down on the bed next to him pulling me into a deep, passionate kiss. My head swirls as we gasp for air. I can't help but smile at this man who is awakening all these new feelings in me. 

"Brian I know who I am to you now." I put my hand on his cheek and he leans into it. "I don't remember my life then, except for a few things." 

He puts his hand over mine. "Good, you don't need to be reminded of such things." He clears his throat and looks away. "I thought Justin was fucking with me when he said he would be back and here you are." 

My eyes widen. "I knew?" 

He nods as he places both of his hands on my face and leans his forehead against mine. Brian's warm breath sends shivers down my spine and my body trembles slightly. He pulls away with concern. "Are you OK?" 

"Yeah. It's just for the first time in my life I feel complete." He leans in and kisses me again. His smile is evident against my lips as his tongue presses into my mouth; he lets out a gasp and pulls me closer. His hard cock is firmly pressed against mine as we lay back on the bed. He runs his fingers through my hair and lets out a masculine moan that makes me even harder. 

I'm concerned when I feel his body abruptly stiffen then relax again. I realize he is listening to the music that is still softly playing. I listen to the words of the song and am moved as well. 

You and Me / By the Cranberries 

I'm not going out tonight 

'cos I don't want to go 

I am staying at home tonight 

'cos I don't want to know 

You revealed a world to me 

And I would never be 

Dwelling in such happiness, 

Your gift of purity 

Eh-ee-oh, eh-ee-oh, 

Eh-ee-oh, eh-ee-oh 

Ahh, you and me it will always be 

You and me forever be, 

Eternally it will always be you and me 

Taylor, Taylor, Taylor, Taylor 

I don't pay attention 

To the ones who never cared 

Find your own direction 

'cos there's sweetness in the air 

You will be the world to me 

And I will always be 

Dwelling in this happiness, 

Your gift of purity 

Eh-ee-oh, eh-ee-oh, 

Eh-ee-oh, eh-ee-oh 

Ahh, you and me will always be 

You and me forever be, 

Eternally will always be 

You and me 

Always be you and me 

Forever be, eternally 

It will always be you and me 

Forever be, eternally 

Taylor, Taylor 

I am panting with each kiss as Brian plays out his emotions on my body. I have wanted him since I was old enough to understand what sex was. I have saved myself in hopes that this man in my dreams was someone I might come to meet one day. Now here he is hovering over me, spreading kisses over my chest as he opens my shirt. He bends down kissing my navel then licking up to my neck, nibbling harshly on my flesh. 

"Brian," I say softly. He pulls away piercing me with his hazel eyes; "I have never let anyone fuck me before. Please be careful ok. I've always been the top with the few encounters I've had." 

He tilts his head up beaming with arrogance. "I know." 

I sit up and raise my brow in question. "How do you know?" 

He pushes me down playfully. "Because you said next time around it would be your turn. That you would save yourself for me; if you were able to, of course." 

My mind is full of questions. "My turn? What do you mean?" 

Brian leans down taking my earlobe in his mouth then talks to me, his voice dripping with sex. "You were the first and only one I let fuck me. You told me you wanted me to be your first and only the next time around since it wasn't possible in that life." 

I arch my back to the sensation of his warm breath in my ear. He trails his hand down my spine as he lays me back down, kissing and touching every part of my body. His hand brushes against my cock, which is waiting for its release from my tight jeans. He looks up smiling as he opens my pants and slowly pulls them down. "Are you sure you want to do this?" 

I nod my head shyly. I feel comfortable with him but all of a sudden I am insecure about my body and I'm not sure why. It's like he can read my thoughts and his words are gentle and kind. 

"Gabriel, your body is perfect, never doubt yourself. You're a new man." Brian covers my body with his as he kisses me again. "Your body was always perfect to me, even when you felt otherwise." 

No more words are spoken as I lose myself in his touch and give into him completely. His touches are full of longing and intimacy as he claims me for his own once again. He guides me gently onto my belly and licks down my spine. I hear a muffled cry and feel a teardrop on my back. It's a new beginning for both of us. He takes a deep breath then plants soft kisses on my ass as he spreads me open and tongues my  hole. As he pushes inside he reaches under me and caresses my cock as his tongue goes deeper and deeper. I holler his name and clinch my ass around his tongue. When I come with a shout. giddy laughter overtakes me. He drops down beside me and smiles at me with pure love. 

We spend a moment just gazing at each other then I smile at him mischievously and climb on top of him. As I kiss Brian's neck I see how different he is with me than he was with the trick from earlier. He is giving himself to me without any reservation. I lick down his chest and belly then reach for his hard cock kissing it ever so softly. He stops me suddenly. "Justin. Stop." I just look at him and he's flustered by his own words. He shakes his head. "Fuck. Gabriel, we need to stop. We can't do this without protection. We promised ourselves that we would use condoms to keep each other safe; even with blow jobs I can't loose you again. I just can't." Tears flow from his eyes and I take him into a tender embrace and kiss him softly. 

I pull him down on top of me again. "I want you, Brian. I need you inside me." 

"Are you sure?" 

Nodding my head yes I put the condom on him like I know I have done a million times before even though it's our first time in this life. He moans softly and arches into my touch. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Brian's POV 

I'm glad Gabriel can't remember all the things Justin went through. Unfortunately I do, I remember. I remember everything. It's been 17 years and I'm not sure if I can make a commitment to this beautiful young man. I realize that he is Justin. I even called him Justin. Fuck, what's wrong with me? 

I need him so badly but I don't know if I can handle this. I can do this. He is begging me to be his first and I have the condom on but all I want to do is run. I ask him again if he is sure and hope with all hope that he will want to stop. 

I grab the lube beginning to prepare him, but it's like he senses my reluctance. "Brian, if you are having any doubts, let's stop." 

I feel the lump in my throat. "Gabriel, it's just that I'm having trouble seeing you as a different man. You look so happy and I know what you want. I want the same thing too, but I can't give you everything you need. I wish I could. It's been so long and I don't know if I can be in a committed, monogamous relationship." 

He lays a gentle hand on my cheek. "Brian, I never asked for that kind of commitment. I may not remember my previous life but I know how I feel . As long as you are the only one I let inside me and I am the only one you let inside you I'll know what we have is special. I see that in your eyes. That's the only commitment I need from you." 

Letting out a small laugh I caress his face with kisses. "You're amazing, you always have been." I lower my fingers and slowly put one into his tight hole. His movements are so like Justin's. I always loved watching how he surrendered his whole body to our lovemaking. I add another finger and he lets out a groan that makes me even harder. I lean in and kiss him and as our tongues entwine he pushes against my fingers desperately. I add a third finger carefully, not wanting to hurt him. He's so tight, so new. I can see he's a little uncomfortable. "It gets better. I won't lie, it does hurt at first." 

"Brian please, I can handle the pain. I just need you. I need us to be one again. God I want you!" He pulls me in tighter and forcefully, hungry with lust he throws his legs over my shoulders. His nails dig into my skin with each inch of my cock that enters him. God, he is so fucking tight. I watch him carefully to make sure he is OK. His eye are dark with need and wanting more he thrusts against me pulling me further inside. His groan of pain turns instantly into ecstasy. 

"Fuck," is all he can manage to say as he smiles at me, panting. I lean my forehead down to touch his as I slowly move in and out of him. My own moans echo through the room. We are sharing the dance of our lives. One I thought I would never be able to have again. Here he is under me now, full of hunger, lust and love. Our moans linger in each other's mouths as I stroke his cock and push against his prostate sending us both over the edge. We both come with such force we lay panting in each other's arms for a moment. 

I pull out of him and take off the condom and discard it. I clean him off with a wet washcloth and am worried when I see he is shaking violently. "Are you ok?" 

He smiles brightly. "Never better. My body is just getting use to the change." 

I smile at him. "I remember I did the same thing." Bringing his body close to mine I pull the blankets over us to keep him warm and as safe as possible. I can tell when he succumbs to sleep. I watch him in his restful state letting my tears kick in again as I remember the dreadful month before Justin's passing.


	3. Chapter 3

  
Author's notes:

I would like to thank everyone for your awesome reviews. This is one of my first fan fics and it feels good to have brought it back from the dead. I know this story can be a little confusing I would just like to note this is a Brian Justin pairing please do not let Gabe confuse you he is Justin reincarnated. Thank you all again for the kind words. I will hopefully have the last chapter up tomorrow.

Lot's of thanks to my two wonderful beta's Kris and Arwensong

* * *

Justin's POV, a month before the suicide 

Everything around me is moving slowly except for my lack of integrity. I can feel my fear beginning to consume me and I fear for my sanity. Standing alone in the abandoned home, I'm thankful no one is here. I'm not sure if I can face my friends right now especially after hearing my lab results. With blurry eyes, I make my way to the back bedroom where Brian and I often shared our passion for one another. My eyes graze over the small room and I am reminded of all the memories I made here. My whole body and heart aches at the possibility that I may lose Brian when he finds out that I am HIV positive. He will never want to even look at me again. 

The thought of losing him hurts more than anything on this earth. He has been my strength, my foundation. Anger boils inside of me at the knowledge that I am losing everything and everyone I care about. I can feel the love that is etched inside this home, and it frustrates me even more, knowing no one can ever possibility love someone who is diseased like me. In a fit of fury, I walk to the door and slam it as hard as I can. 

The tainted dark mirror on the back of the door shakes violently and I am stunned when I see my reflection. I do not even recognize the man staring back at me. Reaching out, I touch the glass to make sure I am not looking at someone else. I gasp in horror and feel my eyes fill with tears. I try to move yet my body is numb, I am so fucking scared. How could my father have infected me with a dirty needle? When he first told me, I thought it was a sick joke. But today, a part of me died in the doctor's office as I was told the bad news. I gulp heavily and notice the dark rings under my eyes. Slowly I undress and stand naked looking at the shell of my body. I see how fucking ugly I have become; how could Brian love me? 

Gradually, I glide my hands over my rib cage. Taking in a deep breath, I can feel the bones trying to penetrate my skin, and I'm finding it difficult to even breathe. 

The silence in the room is overwhelming. My thoughts are slowly killing me. I reach over and turn on the tape player, letting the harsh sounds of the Sex Pistol's flood through me. All I want to do is forget who I am and why I'm here. Frantically, I rub my hands over my face and I am offended by every part of my body, even my hair. A painful scream parts my lips and I feel as though I am crumbling from the inside out. I grab a pair of scissors and without hesitation begin to cut the long blond strands. I scream at the top of my lungs, trying to relinquish my anguish and pain. I know no one could ever possibly love me, especially when I can't even love myself. I think of everyone around me and what they must see when they look at me. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Brian's POV 

I was concerned this morning when Justin left our bed. He looked at me hesitantly and then opened his mouth as though he wanted to tell me something. I watched him get dressed, feeling my heart slowly break. His body is so thin. I can tell he's sick and I fear the worst. When Justin did not come to school, I knew something was wrong. I tried not to freak out and hoped he just decided to ditch school today even though I knew otherwise. An overwhelming sensation of despair begin to flood over me and I knew he needed me. 

My thoughts are pulled back to the present as I step out of my car. I hold my breath in fear, not knowing what kind of state Justin may be in. When I walk inside, my heart sinks as I hear Justin laughing hysterically. I move closer to the bedroom. When I approach the door, I can hear him singing desperately at the top of his lungs. 

Sex Pistols / Pretty Vacant 

There's no point in asking us, you'll get no reply 

Oh just remember and don't decide 

I got no reason it's all too much 

You'll always find us 

Out to lunch ! 

Oh we're so pretty oh so pretty vacant 

But now and we don't care 

Don't ask us to attend cos we're not all there 

Oh don't pretend cos I don't care 

I don't believe illusions cos too much is real 

So stop your cheap comment 

Cos we know what we feel 

We're pretty pretty vacant 

We're pretty pretty vay-cunt 

And we don't care 

Cautiously I open the door and I gasp at the sight before me. I instantly move towards my lover's naked form. He looks up at me, misery etched over his face. Carefully, I kneel in front of him. I feel my sadness overtake me, as I look at his botched-up hair. The sides are uneven, yet short. The middle is long like a horse's mane. He holds his hair tightly in his hands. I caress his cheek softly and he pulls away glaring at me. 

"Stay the fuck away from me!" he screams urgently. 

I'm hurt by his words at first, but when I look into his eyes, I see that he's truly in agony and I know longer think of my own feelings; all I care about is finding out what has caused him so much pain. 

I speak to him gently, and caress his cheek again. " Why don't you want me to touch you?" 

He gasps and a whimper comes from his lips. He pushes me out of his way and stands up. "Are you fucking blind, Brian? I'm fucking ugly, how could you even want to touch me, love me...." 

Then he looks at me pointedly and screams, "Oh wait, you don't love me, you can't possibly love anyone, but yourself, you selfish, God damn, son of a bitch." He spits, then charges at me and begins to beat on my chest. "I hate you. I hate that you make me feel good. I hate that I'm hurting you. I hate that I am sick and diseased." He throws his head back and laughs sardonically. 

Quickly, without thinking, I grab his hands that are hitting me, and I look into his face, furious. "What the fuck are you talking about, Justin?" Then his sentence hits me and my soul aches as the realization sinks in. "You're sick, aren't you?" I push him away from me because my anger for his father is so strong, I am afraid I may accidentally hurt him. 

Tears stream down his face as he yells, "I'm not sick yet, but I will be soon. I knew it, you can't even fucking look at me, you can't even face me now that you know I'll be sick. Well, guess what, Brian Fucking Kinney? When you take heroin it's a big risk and it's extremely possible to get HIV, especially when your father shoots you up with a fucking infected needle." 

Pain and anguish penetrate my whole body. I knew, I'd had a feeling for awhile that he was positive, but I didn't care. I love him even though I can't tell him how I feel. I know deep in my soul that I do, and right now, more than anything, I want to tell him how much I love him, how much I care about him, how he has made my life worth living. But all I can do is reach out to him and take his trembling body into my arms and hold him. 

"I'm here, Justin, and I'm not leaving because of your father's stupidity." 

He draws back and gasps, "How can you possibly want to stay with me?" 

Gently, I stroke his cheek. "Because you're smart, talented and eternally hot." I kiss his lips, then he buries his head into my chest, clinging to me tightly. 

"I'm not sure if I can do this, Brian, live, knowing this disease could take over and kill me." 

I lift his head to look at me. "We'll get through this, we always do." 

"I'm afraid for us to fuck. I don't want you to get sick." I can see the concern and fear in his eyes. 

"We'll be even more careful than we already are." 

He wraps his arms tightly around my neck, holding me close. He whispers in my ear, "I am so fucking scared." 

"Me too, but we can't stop living our lives because one asshole has tried to destroy them." I draw back and look into his sapphire eyes. I huff out a laugh to hold back my own tears. 

He smiles at me sadly. "What's so funny?" 

And that is when I really notice his hair. I run my fingers through his long shaggy Mohawk. "Well one thing good came out of this." 

He looks at me in shock "And what would that be?" 

"Your hair finally matches who you really are. I mean, we need to shave the sides a bit, but you know, you really look like a punk rocker. We could use some egg yolks and spike it." 

He laughs huskily and wipes a tear away. "You mean you like it?" 

I smile at him and whisper, "Yeah, I think I do." 

He gives me a big grin. "So are we going to give you a Mohawk too?" 

I pull back swiftly. "There is no fucking way you're touching my hair. Isn't it enough I let you put eyeliner on me?" I smirk at him and he relaxes into my embrace. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Brian's POV, present day 

I am unable to sleep with Gabriel in my arms. I hold him close, thanking whoever is up in the heavens for bringing Justin's spirit back to me. I'm brought out of my thoughts when Gabriel begins to toss viciously in my arms, groaning in pain. My heart races and the fear I see on his sleeping face reminds me of the past. Quickly, I try to wake him. 

Gabriel opens his eyes and gasps, looking around the room frantically. "I have a sister." He bolts up in bed. "Molly. Is she ok? Is Molly okay?" 

I swallow heavily, not sure if I should reveal anything to him about his sister's past just yet. I pull him in close, whispering in his ear, "Did you just have a memory about Molly?" 

He pulls away. "Yes. Is she okay? I... I...." 

I look into his anxious blue eyes and speak softly. "Yes, she's fine...now." His eyes widen at my last comment. 

"What happened to her?" 

I avoid his question and caress his arms. "She's here if you want to see her." 

"She's here?" He looks around the room and I can't help but chuckle softly. 

"She's not here in the room with us, but she's here in the hotel." 

He sighs with relief then wipes away a stray tear. "She is?" 

"Yeah, she always travels with us. She's part of our roadie crew." 

"May I see her?" 

I hesitate for a just a moment, not sure how Molly will handle seeing her brother again. I know she trusts me; hopefully all will go well. "Yeah, get dressed. She's right down the hall." 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Molly's POV 

I live in my own nightmare. The walls of my world are caving in all the time. I keep everyone and everything at a distance. I refuse to love and I refuse to hate. I refuse to feel. Every time I look in the mirror and see my patch I am reminded of why I live by this code. 

Even after all my hard earned control there are still times when my emotions seem to win out. Only one person ever sees this side of me, the side that reflects all my woes. My brother's lover. We clung to each other after the suicide, Mother's death and Baby Gabriel being adopted out. We were so afraid to lose someone else we loved. We were never the same after that and never will be again. 

The mirror reflects my naked, ink soaked skin. Every tattoo and marking represents a part of my past. They tell the story of my life without words and I am unable to speak about them even to this day; 17 years later. I rub my hands over my tight, dry skin that reminds me of my years of alcohol abuse. Looking deeper into the mirror my image becomes blurred in my mind. I remove my patch to reveal the hollow place that once held my innocent blue eye. Sadness engulfs me and I pull back my long purple hair and tie it loosely. As I wash my face memories of the day I chose not to see wash over me. 

But I do still see. Deep within my hollow eye I still see him. My brother, my lost life. He haunts me, I see him in everything and everywhere. When I saw him tonight I was not surprised, but I was shocked to see him in solid form. He has never appeared to me that way before. 

I dunk my hands in the soapy water and scrub my face then dry off letting out a small gasp as the tears trail down my cheek from my good eye. I replace my patch and the piercings in my eyebrow, nose and lip. Finally I tie a pendant of a Dragon around my neck. 

I walk into the bedroom and the cool air hits my exposed skin. As I turn on my CD player I let the sounds of The Dresden Dolls echo in my mind. I dress in my camouflage pants that hug nicely at my hips and a black, spaghetti strap shirt that barely covers my small breasts. 

Lying on the hotel bed closing my eyes intensely I remember my past and try to remind myself that it was not my fault. But no matter what anyone says I still feel to blame. My thoughts and the words to the song begin to blend into one as the haunting punk cabaret music floods the room. 

The Dresden Dolls / Half jack 

half underwater 

I'm half my mother's daughter 

a fraction's left up to dispute 

the whole collection 

half off the price they're asking 

in the halfway house of ill repute 

half accidental 

half pain full instrumental 

I have a lot to think about 

you think they're joking? 

you have to go provoke him... 

I guess it's high time you found out 

it's half biology and half corrective surgery gone wrong 

you'll notice something funny if you hang around here for too 

long ago in some black hole before they had these pills to take it back 

I'm half Jill 

and half jack 

two halves are equal 

a cross between two evils 

it's not an enviable lot 

but if you listen 

you'll learn to hear the difference 

between the haves and the have nots 

and when I let him in I feel my stitches getting sicker 

I try to wash him out but like she said: the blood is thicker 

I see my mother in my face 

but only when I travel 

I run as fast as I can run 

but jack comes tumbling after.... 

and when i'm brave enough and find a clever way to kick him out 

and i'm so high not even you and all your love could bring me down 

on 83rd he never found the magic words to change this fact: 

i'm half jill 

and half jack 

i'm halfway home now 

half hoping 

for a showdown 

cause i'm not big enough to house this crowd 

it might destroy me 

but i'd sacrifice my body 

if it meant i'd get the jack part OUT 

see 

jack 

run..... 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

17 years earlier- Molly's POV 

I run down the stairs and my heart is racing. It's hard to focus on anything but the pain in my face and eye. I've never hurt so badly. Justin tells me to run to Lindsay's so I go, not looking back until I hear a loud sound. I turn back to see my brother collapsing in the doorway. Father has an object in his hand but I can't tell what it is. He pulls Justin back into the house. I'm standing there breathing heavily, my feet can't move and I'm so scared I can't even scream. Father locks his anger filled eyes on me and starts to advance toward me. 

Somehow I am able to move my feet and I run through neighbor's yards finally losing him. Two blocks later I am at my cousin's house. I frantically knock on the door and in moments I find myself in Lindsay and Brian's arms panting heavily. They ask me what's happened and I can't speak. I try but nothing comes out. My body is so cold and shaky that Brian picks me up and they rush me to the hospital. 

Brian is frantic and I can tell he knows there is more to the story, but he just holds my hand trying to comfort me. I want to tell him to go and save Justin, but I can't. It feels like all the words and emotions have been drained from me. 

"Molly, can you answer yes no questions by shaking your head?" He smiles encouragingly when I nod yes. "Was your brother there?" 

I feel the tears running down my cheeks as I nod yes. 

I can see the fear in Brian's eyes as he chokes out the next question. "Is he still at the house and is he hurt?" 

As I nod my head yes Brian rakes his fingers through his hair. "Fuck!" he yells as he puts a hand on Lindsay's shoulder. "I've got to go check on Justin. Watch over Molly until I get back." 

Lindsay kisses Brian on the cheek; "Please be careful." 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Brian's POV 

Christ! Molly's been fucking mutilated, she can't even speak. I know something is horribly wrong, I am overwhelmed with a sense of foreboding as I approach the house. I can feel the gloom seeping out of the place masking over the neat, waspy exterior. What seems to be nice and lovely is really a hell on earth. 

I knock on the door and no one answers. Proceeding with caution I turn the doorknob and find that it's unlocked. I enter and note that the house is dead silent. My fear for Justin engulfs my whole being. I can sense he is scared, alone and cold, but where the fuck is he? Cautiously I make my way through the house pausing to stare at the closet door. I can only imagine what actually happened here. I can see his desperation and his love for Molly written all over the jagged edges of the splintered door. 

After checking the abandoned home and all the other places Justin and I go to hide from our families I find myself back at the hospital. 

Lindsay embraces me the moment I return. "God Brian, did you find him?" 

My voice shakes as I reply; "No. Fuck! I looked everywhere, Linds. I don't know where he is." My emotions overtake me as I lay my head on her shoulder. "I don't know what happened but it looks like he used a fucking axe to open the hall closet. I'm assuming that's where Molly was." 

"Oh my God." She buries her head into my chest and my shirt is dampened by her tears. "I'm so scared Brian. Where could he be?" Her voice cracks with every word spoken. "Molly's in surgery. They have to take her eye, Brian." Lindsay starts to shake as she continues, "Half of it was missing." 

"Has anyone told Jennifer yet?" 

"Yes, my mom made her go down to the cafeteria with her to get some tea." 

"Has anyone called the police?" 

The hospital did but Jennifer pulled out her waspy, perfect family act and convinced the police it was an accident. She slumps down the wall onto the floor. "How could anyone think this was a fucking accident?" 

I sit next to her and take her into my arms. "I don't know. It's all so fucked up. I don't fucking know what to think or do." I feel the desperate tears flow down my cheeks. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

A Couple Hours Later 

Walking into Molly's room I can see she is still drowsy from the drugs, but a slight smile floats onto her face when she sees me. 

I sit next to her on her bed. " Hi Pumpkin." 

She looks at me intensely 

"Are you going to talk to me?" She shakes her head no then grabs a fistfullof my shirt as her small body begins to shake with sobs. I lay down with her and carefully pull her into my arms as she lets out all her fears. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Molly's POV Present Day 

Lying on my bed I hear my door crack open and I turn onto my side to hide my tears. I know who it is and I don't want him to see me like this. I'm stronger than that. 

He crawls into the bed with me and wraps me in his arms. I have always found comfort in his strong arms ever since I was a child. 

"Hi Pumpkin." Brian brushes my chin lightly with his fingers. I know he sees my tears but he knows me well enough to know not to mention it. Playfully he tugs at my pants. "Sleeping in your clothes again, are we?" He gives me a smirk then tickles me. 

I smile at him as my tears fade. "You know me, Brian. I hate mornings so I get dressed at night and in the morning I can sleep until it's time to go." I give him a toothy grin and roll deeper into his embrace. Suddenly I feel a strong presence in the room as if my brother was here. I have sensed it before but never this substantial. I feel my emotions begin to overtake me and I begin to shake in Brian's arms. "I saw him tonight Brian," I whisper softly. 

"Me too." 

Brian's words stun me and out of the corner of my eye I see a shadow lurking by the door and all of a sudden I know Justin has kept his promise. Laying my hand upon my stomach I trace the outline of my tattoo of the Goddess Isis. She is with me to help me remember Justin's sacrifice. I have never shared this with anyone, not even Brian. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Justin's POV, the Day Before the Suicide 

The darkness is caving around my inner being. I am not dead yet, but I'm not alive either. I am not asleep nor am I awake. I am only existing in this very moment as I wait for another. My hands and body are cold and I shiver violently. 

Opening my eyes I try to gauge my surroundings. The place smells of urine and vomit and I can feel the bile in my own stomach rising. As I kneel to release the contents of my stomach I feel the pain in my body weakening me. I wipe my mouth and try to stand. I gasp as I hold my stomach, take a deep breath and stumble over my own feet. The drug makes the world around me hazy, numbing all my thoughts from reality. 

I look around the room and see that the walls are dirty and covered with graffiti markings. The carpet is green shag, matted with stains and body fluids. The stench gags me. 

A young woman lays on the floor laughing, obviously in a drug induced state. She is wearing a patch over one eye and the other is yellow and sunken in. She speaks without opening her mouth but I can hear her in my thoughts. "Did you see me? I was flying!" She holds her hand in front of her face watching it in awe. "It's a hand." 

I plop myself onto the ground next to her laughing. "That it is. Where the fuck are we?" My body sways as the world hollows around me. 

She touches me on the nose speaking in my mind again. "That white rabbit. I don't know. All I know is I ate a candy that said 'eat me' and here I am. Sometimes tall and sometimes small." 

For some odd reason this girl makes a lot of sense to me. "So does that mean your name is Alice?" 

"No. I have no name. I only exist in your mind." She touches me again and laughs, "I'm not real." 

I realize suddenly that I'm not real either and it all seems so clear. Looking around the room I see more people and wonder if they are real or if they even know they are fake. Wow ! This is all so ... wow. I find myself looking at my own hands for clues to this universe. 

Looking past my hand I see a young boy. I feel so drawn to him then I notice he's been crying. I crawl up to him and wipe his tears. "Don't worry little fellow, none of this is real." 

He looks at me sincerely. "I wish that was true but I have the marks to prove that it's all very real." He holds up his arm and I gently take a hold of it brushing my fingers over the red wounds. I feel the pain in my own arm and the heat of the tears seeping from my own eyes. 

This little boy does seem real and why can I feel his pain like it's my own? "Where are your parents?" I ask him. 

The little boy chokes back his tears. "My mommy is dead. My older brother is dying of AIDS and can't protect me anymore. My father hurt my sister and made her lose her eye and now she is too scared to speak. It's just Dad and us. He scares me." He grasps onto my hand tightly. "Please, you must help me. You must die so that I can live." 

"What the fuck, kid? That's insane; how could my death possibly help you?" 

He looks at me with his piercing blue eyes, pleading with me. "Justin, I am you and you are me. If you continue to live I will no longer be you and I will die. If you cut your unhappy life short now then I can live and we both can start a new life full of freedom and happiness." 

I scramble away from the young boy in dismay. "What the fuck is going on? I don't understand." 

The world around me starts twisting and turning then roots from trees are coming through the floor of the house cracking the foundation. The walls slowly begin to vanish as dirt forms under my bare feet. I can smell the refreshing scent of a spring rain, then I see a woman walking towards me through the mist. Her skin is golden and her womanly form is barely covered with white Lennon's. There is an elegance in her walk and an unearthly glow radiates from her whole being. 

Moving closer she takes my hand in hers. "Come with me, dear child." Her voice is gentle and kind. I follow her through the trees then see that the dirt is turning to sand and the trees are disappearing. The air around me is getting warmer and warmer turning into a painful heat. The smell of dust engulfs my lungs. I begin coughing. 

The woman gently pats my back. "Dear child, I know it takes time to get used to the heat and dust. You are home, my young one. For the first time in centuries you are with me again." I see a small tear form in her eye as she touches my cheek. "You have always been so beautiful in mind and spirit. Brian is also beautiful. He is made for you and you are made for him. I created you to always be together. Alas, life has handed you one bad circumstance after another. You are to be reborn into a new life my son." 

Looking beyond her I see the sun's rays glistening from the tall pyramids landscaping the desolate desert. She leads me into one of the pyramids and it's surprisingly cool and damp. Hieroglyphics caress the walls. Taking hold of my hand she walks me through the pictures on the walls. "These are all my immortals, we cannot live on in the same body but I can help you to be reborn from one life into another. I am your mother and I no longer want to see you in pain." 

My voice is weak; "My mother? How could you be my mother?" 

Her gentle laugh caresses me. "I am your mother the Goddess Isis." She smiles at me lovingly. Then she has me sit on a stone while she dabs rose oil on my forehead and neck. She softly kisses me where she dabbed the oil then her expression turns serious. "My son, you will be reborn again. Tragic events need to take place to bring you back again. I am sorry for this pain but you must take your own life. I know it is wrong and frowned upon but in this case it's different. This is the only way, otherwise all will be lost. Your brother will die, my love. He is such a young spirit and so scared. You are old in spirit, we have been together through the centuries. You need to take your brother's place. I guarantee you a better life. Gabriel will be saved through your sacrifice. The man that you call father in this life will never cause anyone pain again." She kisses my ear again. "Wake up, my son, wake up." 

I wake up and find myself in the same home from my vision, lying in my own filth. My head feels foggy and my legs are weak and wobbly when I stand. I slowly make my way down the hall to the dingy bathroom. The smell of urine and mold burns my nostrils and black grime clings to the porcelain tub. I strip my clothes and step into the shower. The odors are making me queasy so I quickly wash my body and clothes, ringing them out; I put them back on damp. 

I hurry out of the bathroom and the house, escaping the hell into the freezing morning air. My body is shivering, the chill seeping deep into my bones. I look up and down the street frantically trying to figure out where I am. As I run through yards I find someone has left clothes out on a line and they are surprisingly dry in the cold weather. I grab a pair of sweats and make my way to the side yard and change swiftly. 

As I stand in the middle of the road trying to gain my bearings my mind is flooded with images of Molly. My whole being cringes as my mind pictures her lying in a hospital bed. My thoughts are whirling in complete desperation. I make my way to the nearest hospital and for once luck is with me when I ask for Molly Taylor and am ushered right to her room. 

When I walk into her room I see her frail body nestled in blankets and as I move closer my heart sinks when I see the bandage over her eye. I grab her hand and kiss it as I sink down on the bed next to her. Molly opens her eyes in confusion, lost in her fear, then I see the recognition in her one eye as she really sees me. She grasps onto me and clings desperately taking radical, gasping breaths. 

The emotions well inside me as I pull her into a tight hug and caress her hair. Seeing her in this state I'm not sure if I can tell her what is to come, but I know I need to prepare her for my death. She needs to know what will happen. 

I kiss her hair and start to speak to her with a voice that is harsh and raspy with tears. I clear my throat and begin again, "Molly, I need to talk to you." 

She looks up at me with her blue eye that is so wise beyond its years. She nods sagely and I can see my own life fading into her crystal orb of sapphire. 

Her cheeks are moist and I wipe the stains with my fingertip as I tilt her chin to me. "I love you, Molly, with all my heart and soul. We can no longer live in this purgatory of hate our father has created for us." 

She nods her head in understanding. 

"I know an excuse has already been made for your condition and the police are blind to the truth, but I can do something about it, Molly." 

She swallows hard as I continue to speak to her softly. 

"It all falls on me and I will take care of you but by doing so I need to leave." 

She gasps in horror and holds onto me tighter, her nails digging into my skin. I grimace at the pain and try to put on a strong front for her. I continue to talk, telling her of the vision and what I need to do. 

An animalistic cry boils over from the core of her being. I can see that her spirit is overflowing with a frantic fear. "No no! You can't leave me! You can't die, Justin!" Her exhausted body slumps in defeat as she curls into a ball on the bed and whispers, "I'll be all alone." 

I spoon behind her and rub soft circles on her back. "You won't be alone. You'll have Brian with you. You'll need to be there for each other. I don't want to leave you, love, but you've got to understand that I have no choice. No matter what, I will die, Molly. This way justice will be served. I promise I will return to you and Brian. I will come back in a new body and we will meet in 17 years." 

Molly rolls her small frame into me and innocently asks, "What will your name be?" 

I smile knowing she understands now. "Gabriel. My name will be Gabriel, sweetheart." 

She giggles in surprise. "You'll be my baby Brother?" 

I kiss her on the nose. "You got it, kiddo." I slowly stand up and turn to leave. 

I hear the desperation in her voice. "Justin, stop." 

Turning around I see she has a stuffed animal in her hands. As I step closer I'm intrigued to see that it's a white rabbit. I raise my brow. "What's this?" 

She smiles. "I had a dream and I need to give you this. The golden lady with the pyramids told me to give this to you. She says you are the sun." Molly scrunches her brow as she tries to recall the exact words. "You are a new beginning and the white rabbit represents your travel and new goals." Then she giggles, "It's also to remind you to be on time." 

"Molly, when did you have this dream?" 

"Just now." 

"But you're awake," I reply in astonished awe. 

"I know," she returns simply. Suddenly she grasps onto me one last time. "I love you. I love you always, big brother." She cries into my shirt dampening every inch of my chest. 

"Love you too, Squirt." I kiss her one last time on the forehead. Making amends for my transgressions, I leave her to say good-bye to my only other true love before my transition. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Molly's POV present day 

Sitting up at the edge of the bed Brian wraps his arms around my neck and shoulders from behind. I can smell the scent of sex on him and I hastily turn to him. "So did you bring one of your tricks to meet me? That's so unlike you," I say with a sarcastic drawl. 

Brian's eyes pierce into my soul then he scoffs, "Hmmm, I think somebody needs to get laid." 

"Apparently it's not you." I wink giving him a sardonic grin. 

He knows me well and smirking he pulls me in closer and whispers in my ear, " Haven't you learned by now? You can't compete with my scorn." 

I laugh at him as he places a playful kiss on my neck. I can see the outline of the man shadowing the door. He looks like he is becoming antsy. I lean forward out of Brian's grasp and beckon to him. "Come out of the darkness, white rabbit. You are late for a very important date," I say with a harsh lilt in my voice. 

Hesitantly the young man ventures forward and I gasp as the light hits his features displaying the likeness to the body he inhabited before. Slowly I stand and Brian makes a grab for me but I am out of his reach. My movements are snakelike as I stalk closer to the young man. Softly I caress my hand across his cheek and I feel him shudder under the touch. 

"Gabriel," I whisper as I kiss his forehead. I hear sighs of relief from both men as Gabriel falls into my arms and clings to me tightly, whimpering into my shoulder. My emotional shield goes down and I lose myself inside this boy/man in my arms. "I always knew you would come back to me, dear brother," I choke out, "even though your sacrifice hurt, I knew in my heart you did it for us." 

Gabriel's grip loosens on me and Brian instinctively wraps his arms around his waist catching him mid-fall. Brian picks him up and lays him on the bed crawling in next to him. Gabriel's eyes are glazed over in shock. 

"Brian, what just happened?" 

Brian tenderly strokes Gabriel's face, sadness in his eyes as he speaks softly, "I think he is having a memory."


	4. Chapter 4

  
Author's notes:

Thank you all for your wonderful and encouraging reviews. I am sorry I have not been able to sit down and respond to everyone individually, please just know I appreciate it, it means a lot to me and is also helping to fuel my fire to continue with my other stories... Hugs and love.... Doll

Lot's of thanks to my two wonderful beta's. I love you both with all my heart.

* * *

Justin/Gabriel's memories /day of the suicide 

My heart feels heavy after I leave Molly's hospital room. The strain of what I must do weighs oppressively on my soul. I think of Brian and wonder how he will survive this. Will he forgive me? Will he still love me? He never says that he does but I know. 

I run to my house wiping the tears from my eyes. I am so frightened to come home. What if my father is there? What will happen if we must face each other again? I push my fears away since I need to go in and find the supplies I will use to depart this world. 

I have not decided the final way to end it all. I know that I am turning cold inside and my emotions are numb from all my broken hopes and dreams. I can't live like this anymore. I think of taking an overdose of heroin or maybe slitting my wrists. 

I step up to my family's house and feel the shudder of a cold chill running through my body. Walking into the entryway my eyes are drawn to the bar that holds my father's scotch. Every time he is unable to handle something the scotch is in his hand. I walk towards the bar in a trance-like state taking the crystal bottle in my hand. Tilting the foul liquid to my lips I take a small swallow. Something deep down in my sub-conscious tells me not to drink any more, but I want to. I want to drink it to my death, but I can't. First I need to say good-bye to Brian. The burn of the alcohol does nothing to alleviate the numbness that consumes my body as images blur and fade behind my eyes eventually fading to a hollow blackness. 

I fight my way up the stairway and a mist forms in the darkened haze that is closing in around me. Seeing the dreaded closet door all the memories return to me. My little sister is scarred for her life and now her brother is taking his own life. I lean against the wall and slide down it, breaking with emotions. What am I doing to her? What will she become when I leave? My thoughts start floating in and out of reality when I see my father's cabinet full of heroin. A buzzing sound surrounds me and droplets of blood stain the floors. All of a sudden I'm grabbing for a box of straight razors. I see the scotch bottle again and then once more everything fades to black. 

As if waking from a dream I find myself standing in front of Brian's house holding a large manila envelope. I gasp for breath and wonder where the last hours went as I look at my watch. I look down at the envelope in my hand and ponder where the fuck it came from. 

"Fuck." I feel like something huge has happened. Something that will change all of existence as I know it. That seems an odd thought considering that I'm going to take my own life soon. I try to remember but I can't fill in those lost hours no matter how hard I try. Maybe it's not important in the whole scheme of things that I know. 

I climb up the ladder to Brian's room with the manila envelope firmly in hand. I pause when I hear his guitar and his heart wrenching voice singing a haunting song. 

My unspoken words 

Cut you to the bone 

I never meant to fail you 

Everything seems so surreal 

Wake me 

Wake me 

From this nightmare 

I want to be there to catch your fall 

Tattered dreams and bitten nails 

In this darkened haze 

Everything seems to fade 

My life 

My loss 

What the fuck 

Where has he gone 

I will kill 

I will kill 

The fucking bastard 

Who will lay a hand 

I hear Brian hitting his guitar as he yells at the top of his lungs and I cringe as I hear his pain. Now I know I can't tell him, I'll just have to say good-bye in a different way. I stumble over to the window and fall into his room. My brain is foggy and I feel drugs in my system yet I don't remember taking them. Have I really come to this? Missing entire pieces of my life? 

He stares at me in shock as though he has never seen me before. "Oh my God," he utters. "Fuck, Justin! Justin, are you with me?" He's shaking me violently. Why the hell is he shaking me? I feel Brian's tears on my cheek. "Fuck you can't leave me, Justin." 

My body is numb. I can no longer feel him moving me as I stare into emptiness. I hear him counting and one and two and three. Suddenly pain shoots through my body. He sits me up as I violently cough. "What the fuck is going on?" I plead gasping for breath. 

He takes me into a deep embrace. "Holy fuck, Justin, I thought I lost you." 

"I'm here, Brian." I place my hand on his face and see the love in his eyes. I know he will never say it but it is so evident in ever fiber of his being. I debate with myself if I am making the right choice. I know my decision will kill him from the inside out. "Brian?" 

"Yeah?" 

"Will you promise me that if anything happens to me you will go on and live your life? I promise I will come back though. Will you wait for me?" 

I see the pain in his eyes and the scowl upon his face. "Justin, what the fuck are you talking about?" 

I feel my own voice weakening. "Please promise me, Brian. I know I don't have much longer." I choke back my tears. "You know it too. Please, please, please, fucking promise me you will wait for me." 

He pulls me into his arms. "I promise. Fuck! I fucking promise. Ok? What else would I do?" He pulls back looking deep into my eyes and I know that he has to know. How can he not? 

I notice Brian is holding the envelope and it's open. There is fear in his eyes as he whispers, "Justin, what have you done? Jesus Christ, what have you done? Why are you trying to kill yourself?" Memories are fading in and out of my head and nothing is making sense. I see a baggie of heroin and I'm talking to myself. Why the fuck am I talking to myself? What in the fuck am I saying? A flash of light cuts through the darkness. 

Suddenly I feel completely sober and scared. I am looking into Brian's tear stained hazel orbs. "Fuck! Brian? What's wrong?" 

His breathing is heavy and labored. "Justin?! Shit, you scared me. I thought I lost you again." He rocks me gently back and forth. "You fell into my room holding that envelope mumbling things about scotch and heroin, making absolutely no sense. I took the envelope from you and took out the contents then you stopped breathing." He starts shaking uncontrollably. "Fuck, I did CPR and you came back. Shit!" 

Sitting up I feel perfectly fine. "What the fuck are you talking about? I'm fine, Brian." The fear on his face tells me otherwise and I know I am not OK. There is something totally fucked up going on and the hell if I know what it is. 

I see the sadness in his eyes. "I understand why you're doing this." He looks utterly defeated. 

I don't want to think about it. I know what I need to do. I run my frail hands across his strong chest and his breath shudders under my touch. I want him now. I need him right now. I forcefully press my lips onto his until we are engaged in a tender kiss. Our lips and bodies melt into each other becoming one. His warm breath against my lips sends chills throughout my body as I sigh into each stroke of his tongue. It's not long before our passion overtakes us. 

Brian pulls back hastily. "Justin, we can't do this," he stutters. "Jesus Christ! You just...just ,fuck! Justin, I don't want to hurt you." 

I lean into him kissing him again. "Brian, please, really I'm fine. I need you so bad." 

Hesitantly his hand gently strokes my bruised and tattered skin. His light kiss penetrates my spirit as his moist tongue licks from my neck to my ear. My body shivers as it submits to his will. My moans echo through his small room and Brian captures them into his mouth. Softly he touches the inside of my elbow and I let the sensations flow through me. 

Brian's eyes start to glisten with lust and need as we strip off our clothes. Our naked bodies warm each other and his hard cock presses against my own. For a split moment he pulls away looking at me and I gasp at his beauty. I wish I knew what he was seeing. All I see in me is flesh and bone. I don't know how Brian can see anything more than that. In my own mind I am dead and no longer of this world. 

He lays me on the bed slowly running his hands over my torso. I smile at him and he stops and smiles back weakly. God I wish he would say something for I know what I am going to do is right. I know I don't need his approval but I desperately need to know if he will be ok. 

As I squirm under his watchful eye, Brian takes in a deep breath and engulfs my mouth frantically. A muffled whimper escapes our lips when I imbed my fingers into his skin. I close my sapphire blues tightly as an animalistic cry emerges from my soul in agony. I feel Brian pulling away and I keep my eyes closed bringing him back to me, clinging tightly. I don't want to let go of him. I can't let go. 

"Brian, please, fuck me. God I need you in me. I need to feel you one last time." Fuck, did I say that out loud? Fuck, fuck, fuck! I open my eyes to see sad acknowledgment in his face. 

Brian's body falls onto mine limply and he shudders over me. His voice is soft. "What did you just say, Justin?" 

Gently I rub my fingertips over his back. "I don't know, Brian. I am so fucked up right now. I guess I am afraid this will be our last time. I don't know why I said it." It is true, I really don't know why. He sits up straddling my thighs as he closes his eyes and nods at me in understanding. He knows deep inside that he has to let me go. His mannerism changes as he reaches over and grabs a condom and lube. He gives a weary smile and then kisses my lips. 

"Ok," he smirks as he rips open the condom wrapper with his teeth. I'm stunned when he rolls the condom onto my dick. 

I grab his arm. "Brian, what are you doing?" 

He raises a brow. "If this is our last time, I want to remember it always." He kisses me again. "It's been a long time since I've felt you in me." Brian chokes back the weakness tying to pry its way into his voice. Masking his emotions harshly he adds, "Don't make a fucking big deal about it." With that he lubes himself and guides my cock inside him. 

Letting out a breathless gasp he smiles down at me and moves slowly. Interlinking our fingers he uses my hands as leverage as he huffs lustfully for breath. I return his smile as his tightness surrounds me. Every stroke leaves me more breathless than the one before. "Oh fuck!" I scream as the sensation becomes more intense. I let go of one of his hands and wrap my fingers around his swelling cock. 

He closes his eyes and whimpers with desire. "Fuck!" he huffs under his breath as I run my fingers over his ball sack and place it around my cock and his tight hole. I can feel myself entering in and out of him. He impales himself more indulgently on my cock and hand, arching his back and giving himself to me completely. I wrap my fingers around his cock once again stroking him; our other hands are still interlinked as they support his weight. Our bodies are moving to our own unique rhythm. We make eye contact and his ass tightens around my cock. We yell out each other's names as we orgasm in unison. His body slumps onto mine and after a few moments he carefully rolls off of me. 

We know the routine to be ever so careful so I sit at the edge of the bed taking off my condom and wash off with some nearby wet cloths. 

"Come here," Brian beckons to me, pulling me into his arms. He caresses my hair then kisses my ear. "Thank you," he whispers. "For being so good to me and showing me things no one else ever has or ever will." He lets out a laugh. "Fuck, I sound like a fucking lesbian. Shit!" 

Reaching up I lightly touch his chin. "I love you, Brian." He smiles and nods moving my hand to his lips as he kisses the pads of my fingertips. 

I don't want to move or leave but I have to. I hear the voices whisper in my mind and I know we must part. "Brian, I need to go." 

His face pales and I see panic in his eyes for a brief moment before he masks it quickly with a smirk. "OK." 

We kiss one last time before I dress and leave the only man I have ever loved alone in his room. 

"Later," I whisper from the window after I climb onto the ladder. 

"Goodbye," he replies softly. Now I know he knows this is goodbye until we meet again. 

Slowly I make my way down the ladder and stop suddenly when I reach the bottom realizing I forgot the envelope. As I climb back up the ladder I hear a tape of myself talking and my words frighten me. I am scared out of my fucking mind. Everything that has happened in the last 24 hours rushes back into my brain. I also hear Brian weeping quietly and I climb back down knowing I have hurt the only person I every truly loved. I jump into my car and drive frantically until I pull up in front of the abandoned home. Now I know there is no turning back. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Brian's POV- Present day 

Gabriel lays restless in my arms; the pain of the memories he is experiencing floods through me as well. Yet even through our pain I can't help but feel whole once again in this crazy world as I cradle him in my arms. 

Molly has stood up and begins pacing. I can't begin to imagine what all this is doing to her. I hold out my hand to my sweet girl and she walks to me cuddling into my other arm. I kiss her forehead thankful that we have always been able to be ourselves around each other, not having to hide behind the hardened shell we show to the rest of the world. I lay holding the two most important people in my life and try to hang onto my emotions. 

Gabriel stirs to consciousness and opens his eyes slightly. "Take me to the abandoned house, Brian," he whispers. 

He is so weak and fragile, just like that night. Jesus Christ! I can't get it out of my mind. I can feel my body stiffen, the anger tightening my face. "Why the fuck would you want to do that?" I spit out unable to mask my pain. 

He looks at me and pleads, "Brian, please, I need closure. I need to rid myself of these memories of what I did. Please, Brian." The tears form in his eyes as he clutches at his head. "God, I can remember everything." 

Then I am reminded of the words Justin recorded on the day of his death and I gasp, "Gabriel, are you sure you remember everything?" 

He sits up and whispers in my ear everything that he can recall. I realize how much he needs closure to rid this pain from his soul. Molly pulls away from us to give Gabriel and I some space and I nod my head gratefully in acknowledgment. She smiles back taking a seat in the small chair close to the bed, not wanting to leave too much space between her and her brother. 

Looking down at Gabriel I see he is holding a business card tightly in his hand. I take it from him and immediately recognize the name of the Psychic who told us so long ago of all the events that have now come to pass. "Crystal," I breathe her name through my parted lips. 

Gabriel is still trembling in my arms. "Should we call her?" 

"No," I say sternly. "It's none of her business." I light a cigarette and inhale deeply wanting nothing more than to erase the past; to just forget about all of it. I have done fine for the past 17 years until this twink walked into my life. I let out a huff then Gabriel places his hand upon my face. His touch burns against my skin and I feel myself wanting to give in to him. I know I must help him on his journey. I soften my voice and speak gently, "Fine, we'll go but I can't promise I will go inside with you." I wrap my hand around the back of his neck and kiss him softly. I ignore the lump that has formed in my throat and the heaviness of my spirit. 

Molly stands up running a gentle hand over Gabriel's blond hair. She seems lost in thought. Finally she looks up at the two of us. "Well? Get your asses up and let's go." 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Justin's POV/Gabriel's visions the day of the Suicide 

Anguish lingers in my chest as I drag myself out of my car and see the home where I once found refuge with Brian. It will now be the last place I will visit in this reality. As I take a deep breath and try to hold back my tears my vision blurs. My memories burn and my thoughts turn back to yesterday after I had helped Molly escape the hell of our family home. 

 

I rub my head as I wake up and notice I am lying on the sofa. I feel drugged and every sound is enhanced as I hear the sound of pouring liquid. I squint my eyes to try and rid myself of the migraine that has settled in the base of my skull. 

As I turn my head the world spins around me and through clouded images I see my father. He stands shaking his scotch bottle then pours a glass gulping it down rapidly. I have never understood his need of this ritual of madness. I quickly close my eyes before he can see I'm awake. My breath is labored and I am scared out my fucking mind. I cannot even comprehend what he is planning on doing to me this time. I think of what he has already done to Molly and I pray that she made it to Lindsay's OK. 

I can hear his feet shuffling closer to me and I'm not sure exactly what to expect. Trying to protect myself I slightly curl my body in a fetal position. I see his shadow through my eyelids and can feel his presence hovering over me. I try to let go of my fear knowing I'm too weak to fight him. He has made sure of that with the drugs. I get an idea and begin to rock suddenly from side to side. He seems unaware of my plan. 

His harsh voice pounds against the pain in my head. "You fucking idiot! What the fuck are you rocking for? You need another hit?" His wicked laugh echoes in my head and I silently mock his stupidity. I quicken my pace until I am at a constant pace. Then I know the time is right and Craig is confused by my actions. I open my eyes for the first time and see him glare. There is fury in his eyes as he lunges at me. 

I take a deep breath and let it out as I violently thrust myself off the sofa knocking Craig flat on his back. I let his body break my fall and smirk to myself as he grumbles in pain. 

"Fucking little shit!" he yells. 

He tries to grab me and I scramble off him quickly then hover over him. My body hurts all over and I can feel the drugs leaving my system. He's right; I do need another hit. I feel the cold shakes and nausea cascading through my whole being. 

"How dare you?" my father growls as he wipes blood from his mouth where I rammed into him. 

I spit on him as my anger overtakes me. Craig tries to stand as the fire blazes in his eyes, but my wrath is overtaking me and I feel a rush of adrenalin empower me. "It's my turn now, you fucking bastard!" I scream, "Now I'm the one who has the upper hand!" He looks at me and laughs until I kick him in the ribs. "How dare you?" I yell kicking him even harder. "How dare you fucking hurt Molly? She's just a little girl, you fucked up asshole!" I kick him over and over until he is curled into a ball groaning. "I should fucking kill you. You don't deserve to live. IF you fucking touch Molly, Mother, or me one more time I will kill you. I promise you that. I fucking promise." My voice is shaking with torment and rage. Looking down on this vile man who had a part in creating me I spit on him one last time. "I'll see you in hell, Craig." 

Quickly I make my way out of the living room and out the back door. He's screaming at me and I feel panicked as I quickly dart down the steps and underneath the covered porch. There is a small opening I can just fit in to hide. It's dark and cold and I feel utterly alone. He is screaming out the door then I hear him limping down the steps past my hiding place. I hold my breath shaking violently, then moments later I hear his car start up and pull away. 

Finally I allow the tears to fall. I am so engulfed in my misery I lose track of time. I am shocked back into my surroundings when I hear someone moving around in the house. I stiffen in fear and then I hear Brian. He is calling my name and I want to go to him so badly and let him hold me close, but I can't. I can't let him see me like this. I need a fucking hit. Silently I wait until he leaves so I don't have to subject him to what I have to do. 

I can see him in my mind. He is so beautiful and strong, then finally I can no longer stand it; I need to see him. I pull myself from under the porch and rush to the house just as he's pulling away. My heart sinks as I wipe away my tears and climb up the stairs to my room. I see the broken down closet door and I know what I have to do. For the first time in ages I feel a bit of pleasure pulling out the family video camera. I turn it on and an awful buzzing sound pierces through my ears. "Fuck!" Finally it stops and I grab a flashlight from a nearby drawer. I nervously keep checking over my shoulder hoping Craig does not come back. I realize I must hurry and I hope to God I can get everything I need recorded before he comes home. 

I can feel the fear coursing through me as I'm placing the camera on the stand. I pull up a chair looking through the camera making sure everything is focused correctly. Turning it on I sit down and begin my testimony: 

"My name is Justin Taylor. I am not sure how much longer I may have left to live and I would like to make my statement on video for the authorities. I would like to recount the abuse of my sister Molly Taylor, my mother, Jennifer Taylor who is pregnant and has received very few prenatal exams due to her fear of her husband who is also Molly's and my father. I also have suffered at the hands of my father." I take off my shirt and reveal scars, bruises and cuts upon my torso. Moving closer I show my track marks. "This is what happens in my family if you don't do the dishes correctly, or if Father is just in a bad mood. My father Craig Taylor has beaten me to a pulp, left me for dead then drugged me with heroin to keep me silent. He has purposely infected me with HIV." It makes me gasp to say it out loud and I wish to God Brian was here. He is the only one I have really told everything to. 

Taking the camera off the stand I set it on my shoulder viewing the black and white world through the lens. I grab the flashlight and turn it on. Walking to the closet my heart beats rapidly as I shine the light into the confines of the closet where my sister spent hours in fear. Blood droplets cake the floor and I know what happened to Molly was worse than I even imagined. My voice is raspy and cracks with each word I speak. I relay every detail that happened to Molly and me this afternoon. Moving to the cabinet that holds Craig's heroin I take several small bags stuffing them in my pocket for later. 

After I successfully give my testimony and show where my father's drugs are hidden I turn off the camera and prepare the heroin for my veins. The world hollows around me and I feel at peace in my dark state of mind. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

 

Shaking myself out of the past I make my way into the abandoned house grabbing a bottle of Jim Beam off the counter. I go to the room I share with Brian feeling my anxiety swallowing me. 

I lean against the wall and let myself slide down to the creaky floor. All the memories of what Brian and I shared in this room, in our bed, flow around me. We were free here. No one saw who we were behind these doors and our true colors could shine in each other's embrace. I freely allow my tears to flow and needing to numb my pain, tilt the Jim Beam bottle to my lips. The harsh fluid floods my mouth and I swallow greedily trying to wipe away all conscious and reasonable thought. I try to erase the memories of my lover. 

Then I remember holding his trembling body closely after the first time we made love. The way he looked into my soul, knowing all my inner thoughts. I gasp for breath tilting the bottle again, the memories still refusing to leave. I choke back my tears. "Fuck!" I can't be here. I can no longer live this way. A victim trapped in my father's torturous world. This way I have control. I will have the last and final laugh. A wicked unearthly chuckle parts my lips and I wish for a moment to be able see the looks on their faces when everything comes to a head. 

I look down upon my unscathed wrist and the throbbing and need for release becomes a powerful reality. I laugh through my tears for it just seems so natural to cleanse my sins with my own blood. Through blurry vision I see the little white rabbit and I speak softly to it. "I'll see you on the other side, white rabbit." 

My head is spinning from all the alcohol I have consumed as I reach for the blade, holding it tightly in my trembling hand. I twist my wrist back up to face me, placing the sharp edge vertically on my tender skin. I let out a gasp just feeling the coolness of metal so close to my flesh. I can hear my own blood crying out, wanting to escape my body and soak into the walls of this place where I have known such love. 

Laying pressure upon the blade tears leak from my eyes and I try to push back the pain as I hear the sound of my skin tearing. I hold in my pain and my screams desiring to release it all in one tender break away from this world. Red, dark fluid flows from me and I barely recognize it as blood or even my own blood. I take the blade to my other wrist and now let the tears and screams flood from my mouth in agonizing pain. I hold my hand up to my face and feel the blood flowing onto me, baptizing me in my own faith. It cleanses my sins from everything as I laugh and cry in hysteria knowing there is nothing I can do now. I can only wait for death to accept me into her arms. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Brian's POV 17 year earlier

Rushing into the abandoned house I hear Justin cry out in pain. My breath cannot escape my lungs as I barge into the room and see him leaning weakly against the wall. "NO! NO! NO! God!" Running to him I drop to my knees. His eyes are dull and fading. "Justin? Why? Oh God Why? Please stay, will you stay if I tell you I love you?" 

He gives me a weak smile speaking softly with his last breath. "Take me home, Brian." He stiffens in my arms and his color fades. I run my fingers through his blond Mohawk and kiss him on the forehead letting my tears flow. Pulling the blankets off the bed I pick him up wrapping him in the swaddling of linen. 

Fervently I drive Justin home through the blurry vision of my tears. The wheels burn to a halt as my car screeches in front of his family's home. Grabbing Justin's body I kiss his cold head one last time. My breath is failing me and I can't think clearly. All I know is I have to get him home. I need to finish what he started. Holding him close I whisper in the night air, "I will not fail you." 

Craig opens the door, anger piercing through his eyes. "What the fuck do you want?" He sneers at me. I notice he is holding his side and moving stiffly. He also has a cut above his lip. 

"To make amends with fate, you mother fucker!" I reply sternly with tears streaking down my face. I walk towards him shoving my lover's body into his father's arms. "You did this!" My words are sharp and harsh, the resentment is boiling out of me. "You fucking killed your own son!" 

He pushes Justin back in my arms. "I had nothing to do with this. Get that dirty, diseased body away from me." 

"Why? You're the fucking asshole who infected him." Laying Justin's body gently on the floor I charge at Craig pushing my hand against his chest slamming him against the wall. "You killed your own son! How can you live with yourself?" 

Craig laughs at me. "Easily. He lived a disgusting lifestyle." Forcefully he pushes past me. "I did not do this. You did it when you corrupted my son." 

I can only shake my head at his ignorance as Craig reaches for his crystal scotch bottle. Shaking it several times before pouring a glassful he downs it in big gulps. I move toward him and lean in close to his ear harshly growling, "Your fate is sealed, asshole." 

Craig raises his brow at me laughing. "My fate is sealed, huh? You're just a fuckin' pussy faggot. There is nothing you can do or say to seal my fate." 

I back away from him and all I want to do is leave with my lover, but I can't. I can no longer be with him; I can never touch him, hug him, kiss or make love to him again. That is when it really sinks in Justin is gone and I really and truly loved him. I loved all of his faults and his perfection, but I could never tell him. Fuck! I run my hands through my hair and everything spins around me. I can't be here anymore. I can't handle this shit. Fuck! I could never tell him until he was dying. My emotions are a wreck. What the fuck is wrong with me? I am just as much at fault because I never told him. Maybe if I had told him things would be different. 

My heart is torn as Craig looks at me with a smug expression that is slowly fading through his glassy eyes. His disposition changes dramatically and I wish he would die but I could never kill him. I know what my part is in his fate. He will not die by my hands so there is nothing else I can do but wait. 

A blood curdling scream breaks through my thoughts; "My Son! My son!" I turn to see Jennifer holding onto her very pregnant belly as she stares down at her deceased son. She is hysterically crying and I am finding it difficult to pull myself together as well. "No, No this can't be happening! Not my beautiful child!" Her eyes are red and puffy. The meek and scared woman I have always known is suddenly overcome by grief and a fierce anger. She pushes past me and shoves Craig as hard as she can. "How could you? How could you do this to our son?" 

The sight before me is so oddly strange. I watch as Craig grabs a hold of the wall limply, his skin is pale and there is sheer pain in his eyes as he grasps at his chest breathing heavily. Simultaneously Jennifer grabs her stomach and hollers in pain as a gush of water spills from between her legs. 

"Oh fuck," I yell as adrenaline and reasonable thinking kick in. To me Jennifer is the only one who matters at the moment so I quickly grab her hand and lead her to the sofa. "Do your breathing ok. I'll call 911." She nods her head trying to breathe through her sobbing and the contraction. 

I quickly rush to the phone. " 911, what your emergency?" 

"I would like to report a suicide, a woman in labor and..." I pause as I look over at Craig. He is still grasping at his heart and grimacing in pain. I silently have a moral debate with myself. He does not deserve to live but I also know Justin would not want me to take matters into my own hands. Taking in a deep breath I blurt out, "And a possible heart attack." 

I give the dispatcher the address and she sounds hesitant. "Sir, I need to keep you on the line while I send somebody out. Could you please tell me in detail what is happening?" 

My voice sounds shaky in my own ears. "I know this sounds unbelievable but I found my lover and he had slit his wrists. He was still alive and asked me to take him home, but he passed before I got him here." I gasp as I try to hold back my tears. "His mother is pregnant and became very upset at the sight of her son and her water just broke then I noticed his father grasping at his heart. I am not sure of his condition." 

"Ok sir, could you please look and see how he is doing?" 

I look over at Craig who is grunting in unbelievable pain and practically tearing at his chest. His body goes limp as he passes out. 

I gulp heavily. "He just passed out." 

"Ok, is he breathing or does he have a pulse? Do you know how to perform CPR?" 

"No I don't know CPR," I say hoping she can't tell that I'm lying. I again fight my moral beliefs knowing full well the hell he has put this family through. "Let me check his pulse and breathing." I look down at Craig and his glassy eyes open slightly. I sneer at him and mouth, "You're dead, motherfucker," while flipping him off. Craig's eyes bulge as the final breath escapes him leaving his body cold and empty. 

"He just stopped breathing." There is panic in my voice but it's not for Craig. My concern right now is Jennifer. I can see she is so scared and breathing rapidly. I walk to her and gently rub her shoulder with my free hand while I listen to the dispatcher. 

"Sir, the ambulance should be there soon. Please listen to my instructions so I can walk you through CPR, OK?" 

I gulp, "OK." Jennifer whispers a thank you and touches my hand as I leave her. Going to Craig I follow the woman's instructions even though I already know how to do this. I lay Craig's body as flat as I can possibly get him, but he is already getting cold. I check his pulse and respiration though I know that there is none. Just as I start compressions the ambulance crew comes to the door and takes over. 

I inform them the best I can of the situation then go to Jennifer. She runs her fingers through my hair. "You are all I have now, you and Molly. You're like a son to me Brian." She chokes out a tear." 

"You're all I have too." I hear myself whispering trying to hold back my tears. 

I pat her hand remembering the manila envelope that's in my car. I tell her I will be right back. When I return I notice the cops pulling up and make my way over to them. I can feel my body trembling as I approach them. I can see they are measuring me up, trying to gauge where I fit into this nightmarish scene. I realize that one of them is Detective Horvath and I feel so relieved. 

"Brian?" He blinks his eyes. "Are you the one who made the call?" I nod my head and see the concern in his eyes. "Are you ok? You have blood all over your clothes." 

"I'm fine," I manage to choke out. "Justin is..." I frantically run my hands over my face. "Jesus Christ!" I feel distorted. "Justin is dead." I hand him the manila envelope. "I found this next to him." Horvath takes the envelope. "I need to help Jennifer." 

Swiftly he grabs my hand. "Brian we'll need you to give a statement later." 

"I will." 

"Brian, I'm sorry about Justin. He was a good young man." I am unable to completely read his emotions but they seem genuine and concerned. 

"Thank you. He was." 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Gabriel's POV Present day 

I can feel the hesitation radiating from Brian as we pull up in front of the abandoned house. I know he does not want to be here but I am glad he is. Brian squeezes my hand. "I'll be right here" 

I nod to him wishing he would come inside but I understand. What I don't understand is the urge I have to be here. Stepping out of the car I grab the big flashlight Brian had snagged from the tour bus. 

With every step I take the dried grass crumples under my feet. Behind me I hear another set of feet. I turn around and see Molly following close behind me. There is sadness in her one eye and her voice sounds so vulnerable though outwardly her bravado is covering it well. She is just like Brian and my past self, covering who we are to mask the pain. She walks up to me assuredly. "I need closure too." Smiling I kiss her on the cheek and take hold of her hand, feeling so much respect for the beautiful young woman beside me. 

We both turn around when we hear Brian clear his throat as he walks toward us. "You shouldn't have to do this alone." I hear the crack in his voice but his attitude portrays strength. 

Molly and I share a knowing glance as Brian wraps his arms around both of our shoulders stepping away as we get to the sloping steps. The wood creaks and groans with every step as though the house was living, the agony radiating through the exterior. Approaching the door I turn the knob and it's locked. 

Brian laughs. "Place still locked up. I'm shocked no one has made their way in." He hands me the key and I look at him questioningly. 

Brian gives me a warning look then growls, "You don't think I would just throw it away do you?" He pushes past me and unlocks the door. 

Being thrown off balance I laugh, maybe I shouldn't have but I know him from the past and now he's trying so hard to cover up his pain and its adorable. He glares at me and I shrug my shoulders looking at the ground. "Sorry." 

"Sorry is bullshit. Now get in the house so we can fucking get this over with." He gently wraps his arm around me and that single touch wipes away his harsh words. "Come on," he whispers. 

The flashlight shines upon the painted walls and my past reality echoes hauntingly through my mind. I can hear Lindsay stroke the brush against the wall. The sound of drums, bass and guitars resonate throughout the home. The sounds of Mikey, Brian and myself goofing around, laughing, and getting high. It was a lifetime ago yet it seems like only yesterday. It's haunting and disturbing, I don't understand why or how I am able to see and hear these things. Listening closely to my inner thought I hear a female voice speaking softly, "Because he needs you to remember." 

Treading closer to the back room unsure of my own thoughts, I can sense an uneasiness in the air. The stench of decaying wood, rot and dried blood lingers in my nostrils. Entering the room it's like time stood still. Every part of that day, those feeling and the energies penetrate the stale air around me. It's like that day is screaming at me all over again. I can feel it, that need to take my life, but I know that it's in the past. I pull away from Brian and shine the light onto the ground. The dust clings heavily onto the pools of dried blood on the floor. I heavily lean against the wall as Justin's thoughts are fed to me and I let the fear and remorse flow through me. 

Sliding down the wall I see the white rabbit matted in dried blood and dust. "Well, here we are again, white rabbit, or shall I say bloody rabbit?" An unearthly laugh bursts from my lips as I instinctively grab for a razor blade sitting in a nearby box. As I hold the rusted metal to my wrist I can hear Brian scream as he runs toward me, "No!" His steps echo through the floors. 

The dim light in the room shows the fear that is evident in his eyes. I am unable to stop myself and I feel a slight pain in my wrist. Just as quickly as the pain appears it disappears again and the blade is swiftly taken from my hand. I feel moist lips tenderly caress my wrist and I look up expecting to see Brian. Instead I am looking into the deepest of brown cat-like eyes. They are hypnotically beautiful. 

As I pull back to look at the bronze woman in front of me and she smiles kindly. "My child, why are you in so much pain? You have atoned for your sins. Everything from the past is in the past. I let you remember only for Brian's sake. He needs you more than you will ever know. Brian has lived with the guilt of your death pressing on his heart for all these years. Tonight you must rid yourselves of those memories and hurts together as one." 

As the woman walks away her white clothing barely masking her naked skin she smiles at me. "Your spirit is that of the sun." 

A vapor of golden light engulfs the room and the mist parts for her entry. As her form fades in the distance I see a little boy run through the clouds and into my arms. "Thank you! Thank you!" He kisses my cheek and runs back to a middle aged blonde haired woman who looks much like myself. 

She walks closer and I feel the tears running down my face. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is my birth mother. Jennifer touches my cheek letting out a beautiful laugh. "You are so lovely, my son. Take care of Molly and Brian, they both need you more than ever now." She kisses me on the forehead. "You had the courage to do what I only dreamed of. I never meant to hurt you." Tears swell in my mother's eyes and her voice trembles when she speaks, "I love you more than anything in the world. Thank you for freeing us from bondage." Kissing my forehead gently she evaporates back into the heavens. 

The room fades from light to dark as I peer at my surroundings. I look down at my wrist and see that my scars are no longer there. I am stunned to know that I have a chance at a new beginning. As I sit in awe I feel a set of eyes pierce into my soul. I look up and see Brian breathing heavily. I cannot interpret what I see in his eyes, but he appears to be frozen in fear. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Brian's POV 

I see Gabriel with the blade in his hands and before my eyes everything of that dreaded, awful day floods through me. I look into his eyes and see that he is no longer with me in this reality. I knock the venomous object from his hand and I am relieved he is no longer in harm's way. His eyes are still haunted though and I know that now it's Justin that I am seeing. Even though I know in my heart they are the same soul Gabriel's spirit has transformed. He's not as hardened as Justin was and I am happy for his innocence. What I don't understand is how he is remembering every thing, and why. I don't want him subjected to the guilt and pain I have held onto all these years. That day replays again in my mind and I am frozen by my emotions. 

I remember the way he touched me, entered me, his taste, his needs and his desire. 

While our bodies are our joined I can see that he is no longer mine and it hurts. I can never confess my feelings but that has nothing to do with him. I am fucked up more than anyone can even possibly comprehend. Shortly after he parts from my body I feel empty and alone. When he leaves me he says 'later' and I tell him 'goodbye'. I want him to know that I know this is his final day. Our final time to be together. 

When Justin leaves through the window I recall the look in his eyes noting something deep and dark there. Scooting to the edge of the bed I see the video he has left and put it in the VCR. I begin watching the tape and am proud of Justin's courage to record these private things for the world to see. 

The longer I watch the more alarmed I become. After Justin appears to turn off the camera snow reflects on the screen. The video camera never turns off then the picture becomes clear. I watch as Justin ties a tourniquet around his arm using his teeth to pull the wretched material in place. Entering the needle into his vein a tear threatens to fall from his eyes as he lets out a gasp then whimpers, soon he is laughing hysterically. 

I have never seen him do this; he always hid it from me. I knew. I always knew when he was using but seeing it is like a slap in my face. I feel my heart sinking into the depths of anguish as I see the drug affect his system, and I notice a vivid change in his demeanor. He looks directly into the camera laughing profusely and I no longer recognize this man on the screen who looks to be driven by pure insanity. I've seen this only once before, when he found out he was positive. Abruptly Justin stands taking hold of a glass vase throwing it hard against the wall screaming. The sound of glass shattering echoes through the video as he then pulls at the small amount of hair he has left. Justin paces wildly like a caged animal then once again looks into the camera as a disturbing grin caresses his distorted face. His eyes are wild, his voice dripping with sarcasm. "I'll show you, Pop." He laughs again wrapping his arms around his torso. 

Justin picks up the camera and the jerky movement is nauseating to watch. Abruptly he moves back to the heroin cabinet grabbing about 6 baggies. The tape jumps as he walks down the steps. A loud buzzing and clicking breaks the unsettling silence then the picture is still. I can only imagine he has replaced it on the tripod. He walks over to the crystal scotch bottle as another unearthly, wicked chuckle penetrates through the air. Opening the lid I watch in horror and amusement as Justin empties the baggies of heroin into the liquor. Placing the lid back on he shakes the bottle of fluid vigorously. 

Justin pulls up a chair and his manner is calm and sober now sending chills through my spine. He clears his throat. "My name is Justin Taylor and I am confessing to the murder of Craig Taylor. By the time this tape is found my father should be dead. I am taking advantage of his own sick and twisted ritual. At some point today or tomorrow he will come to his liquor display and shake this bottle of scotch mixing the heroin and liquor unknowingly." Justin's eyes are cold and emotionless as he goes on, "Craig Taylor does not deserve to live, he has tormented this family enough and I am willing to risk my own life or going to jail to prevent this vile creature of having any grasp whatsoever upon me, my sister, my mother and her unborn child." 

Seeing my lover in such turmoil makes my heart ache for him. Part of me agrees to what he is doing but now I am freaked out too. I have evidence of a crime before it happens. "Shit!" Laying my head upon the floor I quietly sob in mourning of my lover, of our life together and what is still to come. Through the window I hear a scrambling down the ladder and I realize that Justin just heard everything and I can feel his fear. I sob harder as I rewind the tape then take it out of the VCR wiping it clean of my prints and replacing it in the envelope before me on the ground. I see the letter in bold print that I saw just before Justin passed out on me. It states clearly, 'I, Justin Taylor, am confessing to the murder of Craig Taylor.' Carefully scooping it with the envelope it glides inside leaving one last letter with my name on it. I put it in my pocket unable to gather the courage to read it now. 

My mind brings me back to the present, once again in the house where my lover took his life. Keeping my eyes closed I can feel the change of winds as a sensational chill sends goose bumps through my inner soul. Gabriel reaches out touching my hand. "I know the truth about my father's death. What I don't understand is why my mother told me he died in prison. 

Bending down on my knee next to him on the floor I gently I caress his cheek. "What mother wants to tell her child that his brother, who took his own life also killed his father?" I feel my own emotions trying to take over again. 

Gabriel takes a deep breath slightly shaking his head. "But she knew who I was. She knew that I was Justin." 

I lean my forehead against his. "Even more reason not to tell the truth. She didn't want your new life tainted." Pulling back I look into his misty blue eyes kissing him chastely on the lips. "It's almost over now." 

Gabriel sniffles a bit as he looks deep into my eyes then whispers, "I know." 

Standing up I smile at him encouragingly as I grasp his hand pulling him up from the floor and into my arms. I embrace him closely and can feel the connection from our once shared youth. His crystal blue eyes look into the windows of my soul, gently caressing my cheek against his. I know this is a new beginning and that we are casting out our demons through our shared emotions. The realization comes to me that he is remembering everything so that we can forget together. I feel the mist forming in my eyes and I choke back tears, tired of feeling so vulnerable. 

Holding Gabriel tight I slightly pull my head from his, looking deep within his blue sapphires. The desire for a new beginning is apparent in the twinkle that pierces through my own eyes. A smile spreads upon my lips then onto his. I wrap my hand around Gabriel's neck and lean down as our lips connect with a passionate urgency. He moans into my mouth deepening our kiss and when we part we are both breathing heavily and slightly giddy. 

I take his hand in mine interlinking our fingers and bring him out of the room that holds so many disturbing memories. The air is lighter around our spirits and suddenly it dawns on me that Molly is nowhere to be seen. Hastily I pull Gabriel along with me as panic starts to set in. We burst through the door to see the car pulling away and my heart collapses. Letting go of Gabriel's hand I run with all my might coming to a halt when the car does. I watch as Molly turns off the engine about a block away from the house. Getting out of the car she opens the trunk taking out two large objects. Putting them on the ground she closes the trunk then picks them back up carrying one in each hand. 

I hear her voice echo in the night air. "So Brian, you just going to watch me or are you going to help me carry these fucking God damn heavy things?" 

I can't help but laugh as I sprint towards her. "It was fun to watch you being all butch, mama," I smirk. 

"Fuck you, Brian," she says playfully. 

"You're not my type," I reply. 

I look down and notice for the first time what she is carrying. I grab one of the large containers of gasoline nodding my head in acknowledgment. "So, we having a BBQ?" I raise a brow at her knowing full well her plan and I agree with it wholeheartedly. 

Through the darkness I hear Gabriel as he walks toward us. "Is everything ok?" 

I put the container down and pull him into a sensual kiss then rest my head upon his forehead. "Yeah, everything's fine. Molly decided we should have a BBQ. Interested in using the house for kindling?" 

Gabriel gasps out a laugh. "Mmm, did she bring marshmallows?" He melts my heart with the brightest smile I have ever seen. I would never tell him that though. I chuckle softly and we both turn to look at her. 

"What?" The look on her face is pure aggravation. 

I grab her hand pulling her in to us and give her a friendly kiss on the lips. She smiles just like her brother and I recall I have not seen that smile since she was a young girl. I speak softly into her ear. "It's a fucking brilliant idea. Wish I had thought of it." She smiles again and lightly giggles. 

Molly waits outside as Gabriel and I enter the house. We start in the back and I let Gabriel have full reign of the room. Gasoline spills upon the blood stained floor drenching away all essence of its immoral remembrance. Sounds of the pouring liquid echo through the crumbling walls as we drench our bed and small articles left behind from our lost youth. Gabriel stands by the door taking everything in, his shoulders slightly tense. I wrap my arms around his waist and pull him to my chest playfully nibbling on his ear. "It will never be yesterday ever again. We only have tomorrow for eternity." 

He turns to look into my eyes. "Brian?" I can see he is trying not to laugh. 

Tilting my head up I peer down at him. "Hmm?" 

He places both hands on my cheeks. "You are ridiculously romantic. I love you, Brian." 

Shrugging my shoulders I don't admit or deny it. I just smirk resting the palm of my hand on his cheek softly brushing the pad of my thumb over his soft skin as I kiss him tenderly. "Come on, Sunshine, let's finish this before the fumes get to us." 

"Oh, is that why I am starting to feel lightheaded?" he says with a giddy grin. 

He smiles as I slap his ass. "Twat." 

Gabriel laughs looking where I playfully slapped him then we continue pouring the gasoline through the house. With every spill another memory leaves us until we are walking out the door pouring fuel on the porch and down the steps where we bid farewell to our youth of turmoil and torment. Striking a match slowly I let it fall into the fuel then we walk to a safe distance as we watch the flames engulf the home in a matter of moments. Every crackle lets go of another painful moment until the house finally lets out an animalistic cry that protrudes into my mind. I wrap my arms around Molly and Gabriel giving them both kisses on the cheek. 

The heat of the fire warms through the night breeze as we turn to walk to the car. We let ourselves forget everything that happened, only the knowledge it ever existed is imprinted in our waking nightmares. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

A year and a half later 

Brian's POV 

The echo of the Grand piano fills the packed stadium. Watching the crowd from backstage I can see the lighters held up in respect. I smile in great admiration as I walk toward Gabriel on stage. I put my hand on his shoulder and he stops playing. Silence lingers in the air as I bend down and capture his lips in a passionate kiss. We share an affectionate smile. "Welcome home. Have you missed it?" 

"From the small amount I do remember the crowds were never this big." 

"It takes some getting used to but you'll do fine." 

I kiss him on the forehead and am reminded where we are when Lindsay hits her drum sticks together yelling, 'ONE TWO THREE FOUR' then fiercely begins to play. Gabriel pulls me into one last kiss before I jog up to the microphone glancing at Mikey and Lindsay who have started playing without me. We all share an ecstatic look thankful to have our small group together again, clean healthy and free from oppression.


End file.
